Meh

That pretty much sums up how I am feeling today.

Went back for my follow up. One of my follies is up to an 18, none of the others made the cut. My lining has actually gotten thinner and is down to a 6 from a 6.2 (I did not even think it could do that!?), but apparently is "good enough". So we are going ahead with an iui on Sunday. But with just one egg like always and thinner lining than ever, it's hard to muster up a lot of excitement. Yes, I am lucky to have an egg and luckier that I get to ovulate, but with nothing different (for the better), how can I have any hope it will work?

But on that same token, millions of people are playing in today's powerball, all of whom have worse odds of winning than I do of getting pregnant (god I hope that is statistically true). Yet, someone will win.  So I guess I just need suspend my disbelief and jump in the game. Because, as the lottery says ... hey, you never know.

A bust

Today is CD11 and I had my follow up to see how the clomid worked. If all went well, I would get my sample cup, take my shot tonight, and be good for iui on Thursday. However, since the title is somewhat of a spoiler alert, that was not the case. My little follies were just that: little. The biggest guy was a 13 (seems to be my number) and the others were just 11s. Plus, my lining was crap (so much for drinking pomegranate juice. POMs is about to see their profit margin plummet). So now, no iui, but back for another follow up on Friday.

I know it is not the end of the world and it's just a delay. But its frustrating that something small like an appointment can't work out, let alone the big thing like actually getting pregnant. Sigh. But I will persevere (albeit crankily...and possibly with the help of some wine).

Living for the me I am now

It's been a while since I posted...it is a mix of things. Part of it was hitting month 12 was hard for me, and the other part is that these first few days of having your period are just not that interesting. Started the Clomid and just waiting to go back for my follow-up. Yawn.

I think the other reason I have not written (or read blogs or even gone on TTC boards) is that on Saturday when my period came I realized I am burnt out. I have had enough of babies, pregnancies, specialty diets and all the paraphernalia around getting pregnant. I have been a woman obsessed and I needed a break. Below is just a small sample of the stuff I have done in the past year in the hopes that in some way I might get pregnant:

1. avoid drinking on biweekly intervals (some might say you should just quit drinking altogether, but that is just crazy talk).
2. given up wheat as it could exasperate endometriosis (a short lived experiment... I made it a month before caving for a delicious white bread bun around a burger).
3. not had a single cup of caffeinated coffee (that I know of, although I do suspect Dunkin might not be as diligent about this as I would hope...with drive through, there is no way to really tell, but some days I feel more "peppy" than others)
4. not whitened my teeth or used any potentially harmful face washes or cleansers
5. not changed the cat litter once for fear of getting toxoplasmosis (ok - this one might not have been a sacrifice, but still...)
6. given up running (this in the last 5 months)

and it sucks. Especially number 6. For the last couple years, I have loved running. I ran 5ks and 10ks and even, one week after my first IUI, I completed my first half-marathon. But then, I thought, hey dummy, maybe running these distances is what is keeping you from getting pregnant (well, I thought it, but it was my doctor who actually put it into words). But even as I quit, I suspected that was not true. Lots of runners get pregnant (my sister being one of them). And despite the fact that I love running, adjectives such as "fast" or "competitive" would not come to mind when you see me run (jog might be a better term. I once took my dog out with me for a run and was dismayed to see she was barely speed walking beside me). No, I am built for distance, not speed, and my need to talk while running certainly does not allow me to do anything like, god-forbid, get winded.

But regardless, I quit. Pretty much cold turkey. Since Thanksgiving of last year, I have not run at all. But when I got my period on Saturday, I strapped on my running shoes. Clearly, that was not what was stopping me from getting pregnant. So I am running again.

And my non-pregnancy rebellion did not stop there. I went to the dermatologist and got some skin treatments. I whitened my teeth. I got Wendy's tonight and ordered a delicious caffeinated diet coke with my meal. And it was all glorious.

Of course, next week after my IUI, I will wave the white flag and revert to my normal trying self. I never fully quit, as I have been drinking red leaf tea and pomegranate juice all week to help beef up my lining. But, for the most part, I lived this past week for me - the me I am now - not the pregnant me I want to be. And it felt good. In fact, it almost felt normal.

Superfollie Fail

Or, in other words, it's CD1 again for me.

Thus continues my trend of my period coming/ being due on a holiday. We have a good 5 months going of this. So far...

1. In October, AF was due/came on D's birthday
2. In November, AF was due/came on Thanksgiving
3. In December, AF was due on Christmas Eve, but it was an annovulatory cycle so no period
4. In February, AF was due on Valentine's Day (came two days later)
5. This month, AF was due yesterday but came today, St. Patty's Day.

The good news is, I think next month, Easter is too early to get my period so I am clear for all holidays. Instead, my (hypothetical) baby would be due around Christmas. Maybe that is the change up I need? (Or even cooler, it could be a Mayan baby and come on 12-21-12!).

Plus, here's a shot of my fridge:

The great thing about getting my period on the biggest drinking holiday of the year is that at least I can mask drowning my sorrows as celebrating this holiday... So Cheers!

Fell off the wagon

So I temped this morning. I had been so good. My thermometer was missing (D never hid it, but the cat had coincidentally stolen it around the same time) and I resolutely did not look for it. However, today I felt the urge. I am 11 DPIUI and I have been feeling out of the game. So when I happened to see the thermometer under my nightstand, I took it as divine inspiration.

So I temped. After being awake for an hour, having walked the dog and already showered. But I rationalized if it was still in the highish range, I would be reassured. And if it was low, I could write it off as nothing since it was in no way the first thing I did this morning (as if I don't know myself!?). Plus, i figured this was better than taking a pregnancy test. So i did it. And of course, the temp was right where my pre-period temp normally is. In fact, it was the exact same temp I had at 11 DPiui last month. Blerg.

No News is Good News?

I'm currently 5DPIUI and went in for my progesterone test today. I was told if it was above 10, I would not hear, and if it was lower than 10 I would need to start supplements right away. Having no faith in my body (that's not quite how they put it...they used the word "precaution"), they gave me a 4 day sample and a prescription on the spot.

However, it is 10:15 pm and I have not received a phone call, so I think I am officially in the clear. Of course, I would love to know what my progesterone actually is (cause I wouldn't be quite as thrilled if it is 10.5 versus the 20 I have decided to make up that it is). However, like the previous Dr. D, they keep all of that specific info tighter locked than secrets at Fort Knox. I have no idea what these Dr.s think I would do with the information if they gave it to me, but clearly it is too dangerous to risk.

Tie this in with my temping embargo (Hi, my name is B. It has been 5 days since I last took my temperature) and I am left with very little TWW distractions. I might have to take up macrame or something instead.

Game Time

I went to my BFF today for my follow up. Here's the nitty gritty:

The Egg Situation: Only 1 and it is on the right side at 20mm. I was a little disappointed. Since I was making eggs on my own, I was expecting there to be a veritable buffet of follies for D's sperm to choose from. No such luck. I am worried this means this month has no better chance than others, but I am choosing to believe that the Clomid has made my one follie into a superfollie with the attraction force of the 2 or 3 eggs I should have gotten.

The Lining: my lining was 6.7 which I know is not super great. I will be mainlining pomegranate juice and red leaf tea for the next couple of days in the hopes of fattening it up.

The Shot: I need to give it to myself between 7-9 tonight. I had a brief heart attack (read: starting crying and hyperventilating) when I got home and it was not on my stoop. I was not sure what I was going to do. Luckily however, it was inside (my dog walker must have brought it in. Weird because she never brings in packages, so I think it really was just the cosmos trying to mess with me. Well done Cosmos - it worked - and possibly took a year or two off my life).

The IUI: Saturday! And, with an extra-special acupuncture in the afternoon to help everything stay put.

I feel like my last TWW just ended. I can't believe I am about to start another (this must be what 28 day cycles feel like).