Pity Party - Table of One

Lately, I can't help feeling left behind. Partly, I am in a world of pregnant women. It seems everyday I am getting another pregnancy announcement. Most I am genuinely happy for. If I know your story or you are a close friend, I am cheering alongside you and truly wishing for nothing but the best. Others I am less so - those random facebook announcements, or coworkers who have been married less time, or friends who are already on their second child or conceive after one month. But they all hurt. Even when I am happiest for the other person, a part of me can't help feeling like little bullets are puncturing my heart and my uterus, reminding me that I am not pregnant yet. It is not my turn - and who knows when it will be? And I am not sure how to insulate myself from this pain.  I could cancel Facebook, or stop reading blogs or messaging boards, or stop interacting with the outside world in general. But I don't think anthropophobia is the answer.

This feeling of being left behind also has a double, secret layer beyond the obvious one. Sure I am jealous of those who are moving on and getting pregnant, but I am also jealous of those that are living their lives and doing just normal, new, exciting things.  I feel like I have been in a state of paralysis this past year. I  used to be B: teacher, wife, sister, friend, runner, reader and trying for a baby. Now I am B: I want a baby, baby, baby, BABY, BAAAAAAAAAAABY! And that has a way of changing a person's priorities. Before, I lived my own life while trying. Now, making this baby comes first. I am not saying it is healthy (in fact, I am almost definitely positive it is not), but it is my current reality.  Unfortunately, a negative side effect of  this stymied state is that I am jealous of the friends who are getting new jobs, or taking that amazing vacation overseas, or going back to school for that advanced degree. Those are all things I would love to do, but feel I can't until I get pregnant. It either conflicts with my fertility treatments, or would not be opportune. So I wait.

And I am so. freaking. tired. of waiting. I am ready for it to be me. My turn.

Despite this, I vacillate between feeling like I am the last person on earth to get pregnant, and petrified that my journey has just begun. Because I know there are those of you that have been trying longer. In the infertility world, I am still in many ways a "newbie".  But that doesn't ease my impatience, it just heightens my fear. I want my baby and I want my life back. I have no control over the first, and I can't bring myself to control the second. So where does that leave me?

For now, frustrated.

For tomorrow, off to find a better solution.

Planning Ahead

Cycle 15, CD4

Today was my Dr. appointment after my freakishly short luteal phase last month. Not surprising at all, I have 4 or 5 cysts so I have to take this month off. Again. I am starting to hate the injectibles even more than I hated the clomid. Even though I was reacting poorly to the Clomid, at least I was trying. Now, each cycle is costing me two months instead of one (this is not the kind of thing you want a 2 for 1 deal on) and I am still not reacting great to the meds (it is feast or famine in the egg production). So now I am feeling at something of a crossroads. The way I see it, I have several options:

B's list of totally sucky options:*

 

I. Take this month off and then continue on course with injectibles next month. This option has two permutations: 

 

A. Try naturally this month -

• Pro: At least I am doing something toward getting knocked up. 
• Con: Regardless of my "oh natural is great"-ness of last month, I now feel that is hippie speak and I want  my medicated cycle ASAP.

B. Go on birth control -

• Pro: Brings this cycle of waiting to an end much more quickly then waiting for my body to naturally do something. 
• Con: It's another month of not trying and twiddling my thumbs.

II. Take this month off and then pursue other options. This can go one of three ways:

A. Call Dr. D (my BFF) and see what other options I have -

•  Pro: I can find out if there is a different injectible I can use so this does not happen again, or, since he wanted to do IVF next, I can see if I can skip to that instead of another (2 month) injectible cycle. 
• Con: He is so, so condescending, and I feel he will not be receptive to my coming up with ideas on my own.

B. Go back to the original Dr. D and have surgery for my endo -

• Pro: He recommended I come back to him before pursuing IVF since he felt that was my underlying problem. Plus,  he specializes in reproductive surgery which he said is better than doing it at a "fertility factory" (his words, not mine) where they can do surgery, but are not as experienced with it. He did amazing things for me with my first surgery in 2009 and I credit him with the lack of pain I now have. 
• Con: He was really, really not so great at the fertility stuff and that has undermined my confidence in him.

C. Get a third opinion -

• Pro: I have two different opinions on why I am not getting pregnant (Original Dr. D feels it is the endo, new Dr. D feels it is ovarian dysfunction). Seems to make sense to get a tie breaker. 
• Con: I am so. freakin. tired of going to doctors. Plus, I don't even know where to go to get the third opinion since I am currently going to one of the most popular clinics in the state.

So there you have it, my 5 not-so-appealing options of what to do next. And I have no idea which one I will choose.  I am tempted to print out this list, tack it on my wall, and throw a dart at it. Wherever it lands, that is what I will do. That's how all people make important decisions in life, right?

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

*Yes, I have managed to turn my fertility options into something akin to a thesis outline. Not only am I infertile, I am also a nerd.

Wtf body?

CD1

Excuse me, have you seen my luteal phase?

Because, despite having strong progesterone numbers at 3dpo, I started spotting at 9dpo. And today, 10dpo, I am in the midst of a full fledged period. Something that has never happened to me.

And no, this is not, oh, I mistook this brown/pink spotting as my period, but it is really just implantation bleeding, teeheehee. It's dark red, flowing, it looks like I beheaded someone with my lady parts awful aunt flowness (sorry to be vulgar, I just want to make clear how there is no possible cutesy Three's Company type misunderstanding here. This is my period. I recognize her well).

Wtf? And the kicker? Being so early, I am out-of-state, so I won't be back to get to the Dr. until Sunday. Which means I am not sure I can start another injectible cycle. Cue hulk style scream here.

Ok. Vent over. Off to mope. Is 8 in the morning too early to start the liquor?

Kicking it Old School

CD12 / 1DP(suspected)O

Yesterday should have been my (extremely early) iui. However, we also had a death in the family, with the funeral scheduled for this week on Thursday. So, I would have to miss work Tuesday morning and Thursday. Not normally a huge deal, but this is also my LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL. I am actually missing the very last day for the funeral. So the thought of missing a morning session as well this week left me feeling all itchy and uncomfortable. With my mental health in mind, I canceled the iui.

Now, lest you think I am anything less than serious about getting this baby, I would never have canceled if we had a decent egg size. If I even had a 16, I would give it a go. However, seeing that my best shot is a 14 (well, two of them), I figured it was not worth the added stress I would feel taking off for something that doesn't have a very good chance of working. It was a very hard decision, and one I angsted endlessly about to anyone who would listen. But ultimately, I felt it was the best decision for me.

Since the iui was off the table, I did ask the dr. if I could wait a day or two to trigger, no meds, but she said, "I feel extremely uncomfortable with that" so being the law doctor abiding do-gooder that I am, we triggered on Sunday as prescribed. And we have just been bd-ing instead.
Of course, I vacillated on my decision endlessly after I made it. But the truth is, now that i've committed, there's something kind of nice about possibly making this baby just through sex. Imagine? A baby that comes about naturally*? That is something I haven't even fathomed as a possibility in over half a year. Basically once we started the iuis, in my head making a baby became a 3 (or more) person affair. Sure we still had sex during the fertile window, but it was more as a buffer around the iui than in any hopes of creating a baby. So this, by contrast, feels both intimate and exciting. It reminds me of when we were first trying. When each time was buoyed with the hope that we had just produced a little us. In my logical, non-sepia toned moments, I do realize that this method has about a snowball's chance in July of working, and I will of course be right back on the iui bandwagon as soon as next month rolls around ~ anything that ups our odds. But for today, I am enjoying pretending we are fertile, and engaging in some old fashioned baby making.

* And by naturally, I of course mean using follistim, royal jelly, zinc, baby asprin, a trigger shot, and probably progesterone suppositories. You know, just the way nature intended.

Bummed

CD 9

So I got the call. They are not canceling me, but they are having me trigger tonight. With the lead folly (follies) being at 14. I feel like this is basically canceling it but not calling it that. I have no hope that these follies will be big enough or continue to grow. Yet I am still going to be subjected to a 2WW where I know, despite the pessimism seeping from my pores, I will still hope.  I asked about converting to an ivf  and was told that they don't do that.

And when I am not shedding crocodile tears that they are triggering too soon, I am alternately worrying that they should be triggering at all. If they think it really could work, should we be doing it with this many sacs?

12 measurable egg sacs...does it always have to be feast or famine?!?

-----
Question: So this cycle I supplemented with Royal Jelly (and I am subsequently thinking that is what made the difference). At this point, would you keep taking it in the hopes that the 14s will grow, or for-the-love-that-is-all-good-and-holy cut it out so I do not becoome dodecamom?

Overachiever

CD 9

Alternate post title: Be careful what you wish for...

Since starting medicated cycles, I have been something of an underachiever. On Clomid, I only ever made two egg sacs. On my last injectible cycle I had 3. This cycle...well, this cycle is shaping up a little differently. As of today, I have 12 measurable egg sacs, all measuring between 11 and 14mm, and lots of smaller ones the nurse said weren't worth measuring at this point.

So now, I am in a waiting zone.  I am not sure what they are going to do. The nurse said my estrogen is still low, which is a good thing because it means all the sacs aren't mature and carrying eggs. If my estrogen is still low after today's blood draw, they will let me proceed. If my estrogen is high - well, they might cancel my iui. Of course my doctor (the one who gets to make all the pivotal decisions without really ever seeing me) is away on his honeymoon, so that adds another wrinkle to this whole saga.

Anyone have a similar response to the meds and have a success story to report? I am sitting here by my phone waiting for the call, and could use some hope that this cycle will still be a go.

On Support

Cycle 14 / CD 6

I am not normally a hugger. I am one of those awkward people that makes a hug look like a wrestling match, and is better at punching in affection rather than hugging. In fact, too much emotion makes me feel weird and I never quite know how to handle it. However, a friend did something so thoughtful, and so sweet today that I broke out of my shell and gave her a spontaneous, genuine hug.

My friend D (apparently, I know WAY too many people who start with that initial. It must be a Jersey thing.) has been struggling to get pregnant with her second (after her 1st took a year). She has had two chemical pregnancies in the last 6 months. She and I currently go out to coffee every Tuesday, and while we obstensibly discuss all topics, really, we mainly focus on fertility.

So today, she came into work telling me she had a gift for me. And I opened the following:

The card says: "I'm so happy we have each other to complain to! And to celebrate good stuff too. Best of luck to you this cycle - I picked up a few tihngs to get you through the month. The theme is before, during and after. See if you can guess which thing goes with which."

The items included were a bottle of wine, a set of socks, and an envelope of pregnancy tests.

And I was touched to my very core. 

Having met people who have already gone through this journey might be one of the luckiest things that has happened to me in this whole process. I don't know how I would get by without their support, encouragement and unconditional interest in boring things like my follicle size. Not that I would ever wish anyone to suffer, but it is through this support network of other people who get it, who know that it is not about relaxing, or a bigger plan, or taking time off and seeing what happens, but about the struggle we go through daily to do what we can to wrestle some amount of control over this awful, scary process. To have someone who knows what it is like to wake up throughout the night eager to temp, or who will send you pictures of things they peed on without shame - this sisterhood is how I have found this wait (marginally) bareable.
And so I thank this sisterhood, the one I know in real life, and those I have met only online, for supporting me through this. Hopefully we all reach the finish line soon.