Is bigger always better?

CD 12

So I had my follow up ultrasound yesterday. On the right, I had one 16 and one 13. On the left, I had one 13. Surprisingly (to me) they told me only one more night of the meds (last night) and then trigger on Friday with iui on Sunday.

As a graduate of Google University, with a major in baby making and a minor in obsessing, these numbers seems a little...low to me. My understanding was (is) that, on the whole, 18mm  is considered mature and ideally anything between 18 and 28 is the goal. I brought this up to the tech and nurse (they must loooooove hearing people start sentences, "well, I read online...") and they assured me that 16 is fine, and even the 13s have a chance. I don't know if they are expecting last night's meds to give me a growth spurt, but I can't help but be slightly skeptical that my 13s have a chance. Right now, I am vacillating between feeling okay and thinking the 16 will be enough,  to freaking out that nothing is big enough and this will be a wasted month.

Deep breath.

But who knows? I've had big eggs before, and they've done bupkis. So, maybe bigger isn't better. After all, they say good things come in small packages...

State of the Uterus

It has been awhile since I have given an update on what is going on, and since this is definitely the most involved cycle I've had, I think it will be helpful (for me) to write it out. It might be too technical/ number-y [well doesn't that reek of authority on this topic] to be of interest to anyone else, so feel free to skim at will...

Here's a little breakdown of what's been happening:

4/16: CD1
4/17: CD2 ~ trip to the Dr. for bloodwork / US ~ started 75 mg of follistim.
4/20:  CD5 ~ bloodwork / no US ~ dropped me down to 50 mg  ~ had momentary lapse in judgment and thought my body might be responding to something fast.
4/22: CD 7 bw and US - four follies counted and my lining was an 8 ~  I started to get cautiously optimistic. Told to keep at 50mg. However, after my bloodwork came back, they raised me back up to 75 mg.
Today: CD 9 ~ another round of bw and ultrasound. Now,  Dr. only counted three potential eggs and my lining was a 7.4. Plus, they had only grown about 1 mm since Sunday (two days prior). Dr's orders are to keep at the 75mg of follistim and come back on Tuesday.

So I guess I am just at a point where I have more questions then answers - here's what I am wondering:

• Is it normal for lining thickness to fluctuate like that? I know the same thing happened to me last month, but I was hoping that was the fault of Clomid. I felt a lot more confident with my 8 versus this 7.4. 
• Should I have so few follies? I actually think it is only 2, because I have had the 11mm one on the left for over a month (I think she has become friends with the 26 that has been there since October -- lazy follies). I was hoping to get more with the follistim and this seems paltry.
• Should they be growing this slow? I know it is only CD9, but I thought it would be...faster? That seriously could be greedy, given that left to my own devices my ovaries typically don't get good and ready until past the CD20 mark (on a good month) but I am just wondering. We are on day 8 of the injectibles and the dr. said the typical course was 7-10 days of them. At this rate, with just 13s, I feel like we are going to go past the 10day mark...

So there you have it. Not much new to report (nothing that warranted paragraphs anyway). Some hard data and a whole lot more questions. Anyone with injectable experience I would love if you would weigh in. In the meantime, I am off to consult my most trusted (or at least my most available) of doctors...Dr. Google.

Questions and Answers

Since I am in the boring beginning stages of a new cycle (4 days of injectables completed and my first ultrasound in this Sunday!) I have not had a lot to write about. So thanks to Tami at Submerged for tagging me in her post.  It will be fun to share something different about myself!

1. What quality do you love most about yourself? 

 I’m empathetic and will do almost anything I can to help someone out.

2. Would you rather have a million dollars or the ability to fly? 

 Hmm…My first instinct was to say the million dollars because I have a pathological fear of flying (true story: when boarding a plane as a child, I turned to the ticket agent and asked her how many she had seen crash. My mom threatened that it would be my last trip to Disney ever). However, then I realized my fear is actually crashing, not flying, so it might be cool to fly everywhere. But then I realized that, unless everyone got this wish to fly, I would be pretty lonely. Like, I could fly to Hawaii, but D would not be able to come. Maybe I could fly him superman style in my arms, but he weighs almost 100 pounds more than me, so that seems slightly infeasible. All of this is my longwinded way of saying I would take the million dollars and buy 2 airline tickets if I really wanted to go somewhere.

3. How long were you with your husband before you realized he was 'the one'? 

 In college, I was perennially single. For some reason or another, I never really went on more than a few dates with anyone person.  With this in mind, I remember being on a third date with D. We went to Blockbuster to rent a video (gosh, does that sentence tell you how long ago we started dating) and were debating different movies. At one point, D said, “oh, let’s just get this movie and we’ll get the other one next time”. And I remember thinking, “Next time? That’s awfully optimistic” because at some point on that date I had decided I was probably going to end things. However, we went back to my place to watch the movie, and, I don’t know what clicked, but all of a sudden, sitting next to him on the couch with his arm around me, everything felt so right. And I knew I wanted to get to know this guy better and that I definitely wanted to go on another date.

Since then, he has, in a million little ways, made me positive that giving fourth date was the best decision I could have made.

 

4. What is one bad habit that you wish you could break? 

 My slovenly ways. Everywhere I go looks like a little tornado hit it and I would rather have a root canal then clean the bathroom. My dream is that someday D will see a cleaning lady as a justified expense...

5. Do you speak a foreign language? If so, which one? 

 Technically, I should be able to speak French since I have taken (I kid you not) seven years of it. However, beyond “oui” and “bonjour” and “croissant” I am pretty much lost. It’s sad.

6. If you could be any animal, what would it be? 

An iguana or lizard on a hot rock out in Arizona. I love the warmth.

7. Would you rather only be able to talk like Yoda or breath like Darth Vader? 

Ha! Hands down talk like Yoda. The first time I saw Star Wars I was a little kid. I also was a huge hypochondriac. I remember watching the movie with my dad, and everytime Darth Vader came on the screen, I would have to leave the room because I got so panicked by the way he breathed. I would clutch my throat and fear it was closing up and making me breath like him. So yeah, in order to keep those repressed childhood memories down, I am definitely going with the Yoda voice.

8. Who has been your biggest role model? 

 My mom. She is amazing. The love and time and attention she gives each of us in our family (and I am one of four very needy children) is indescribable. D jokes that I need to cut the cord all the time, but truly, she is one of my best friends. She has pretty much laid out the blueprint for the type of mother I want to be when the time finally comes. Plus, her marriage is enviable in how close she and my step-dad are, how they still make each other a priority, and how, after over 25 years together, they still seem like newlyweds. I love how her priority of family comes through in everything she does.

 9. Name your best physical quality and why.

 I would say my height. I am 5’9 inches tall. I don’t love it (to be honest, I always wanted to be a pixie-ish waif), but if I had to say the number one compliment I get, it would be how tall I am.

10. How has infertility changed you? 

 It’s made me snarkier? No, I think it has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought I was (even if I do have to be slightly snarky to get through it).

11. Name one thing that not a lot of people know about you.

As a child, I was a member of the Saved by the Bell fan club (So was my sister K. I will bring her down with me). I know you are jealous.

Here are my questions:

1.      What did you want to be growing up?

2.      What TV show is a “must have” on your dvr?

3.      What  is the best vacation you have ever taken?

4.      What is the best book you ever read?

5.      What’s your biggest pet peeve?

6.      The best breakfast food is….

7.      If you could have any celebrity over for dinner, dead or alive, who would it be?

8.      Team Jacob or Edward (or Team Twilight is Terrible)?

9.      Sweet or Salty food?

10.  Describe yourself in 3 words.

11.  What’s one goal you have for yourself this year?

I am not going to tag anyone because I feel like a lot of people have already done this, but if you haven’t been tagged yet and want to do it, feel free to say I tagged you and play along!

Sometimes I just feel like throwing something at the wall

So, I tested again today. Stupid. And in a Friday the 13th twist, the "test" line was actually whiter than the rest of the test. Yup, there was the control (dark pink and mocking), the rest of the test (a color I would call white except) and then the test line which was a stark, crisp, nurse's uniform white.

But since I could actually see the line (a first for me), I stupidly decided that maybe that was a sign. Maybe the whiteness was some sort of positive? So I put aside my wondfo test and broke out my super special FRER test instead, just to double check.

As if I even need to tell you the outcome...

So long 2012...

With today's negative pregnancy test (and I am usually the queen of not testing. But I'm going to a bar with a single friend tonight, and wanted to see if I could have the beer I know she will demand. "Good news?" I can.) I can almost officially rule out a 2012 baby (I know it is technically not over until AF shows her ugly head, but at 11dpIUI, it is a pretty sure thing).

One year of potential baby-bearing-months are gone. It makes me think of the line from RENT, "How do you measure a year"?




So how would I measure this year?
- In temping
- In dr. appointments
- In OPKS and pregnancy tests
- In needles
- In iuis
- In hope and tears

But this next year of baby-making brings with it a host of changes. We had a mini-consult with my BFF this week and we are leaving the Clomid behind and moving to injectables instead. He suggested we do 1 - 3 months of that and then he feels our best option is to move onto IVF. I'm super conflicted about this and D doesn't understand why. As he said, "I am getting everything I wanted". And while I am excited that we are continuing to get more aggressive, I guess I am just nervous that IVF could be so soon. I feel like that is "the end of the road" and if that doesn't work, what do we have left?

You know you've been TTC too long when...

Below is a conversation from a car ride with my friend J yesterday:

J: How's your temperature?
B: I have no idea. You know, it was driving me crazy, so I just stopped temping a couple months ago.
J: giggling. I meant in the car! Are you too cold? Do you want the heat on?

Sigh. In my defense, we had been talking about a recent dr.'s appointment of mine just seconds before, so there was somewhat of a connection, but really? I have no excuse other than I think about pregnancy, babies, the state of my uterus every 2.5 nanoseconds and woe be to the person who tries to engage me in conversation otherwise...you could wind up with more information than you ever dreamed!

Appreciating the Wait?

So, the other day, D and I had a fairly typical conversation as we were getting ready for work.

D: Did you pay the mortgage?
B: Sigh...Why am I not pregnant? (I am the queen of the non-sequitur like this)
D: I know I saw the paper on the kitchen table yesterday...briefly turns attention to me....it's just not our time yet baby. But when it is, we'll appreciate it all the more.

And at this point in our melodrama, cue wife longing to (lovingly) punch well-meaning husband in the throat.

I hate the idea that not getting pregnant right away has to do with me appreciating it more. Trust me, if last April I had gotten knocked up, I am pretty sure I would have loved, cherished and appreciated my baby. I don't think I needed a year to let feelings towards my own potential offspring grow.

However, since I am feeling in an optimistic, generous mood (I am leavened by all the Easter chocolates), I will give D the benefit of the doubt and say, while I will not appreciate my baby anymore when it finally (god willing) comes, there are some things that may have benefited from this wait.

1. Pregnancy: Again, I would always have loved to be pregnant (not entirely true. In my college days, I was known to liken being pregnant to having a parasite inside you, but that was back in the foolish days when I thought birth control was a necessary purchase. Anyhow, I digress. I would have always loved being pregnant since I decided I wanted it). However, I am not sure I would have loved all the accoutrement that goes along with it - the morning sickness, swollen body, stretch marks, etc.. Now, I feel like I am looking forward to throwing up. I feel like I will look at every element of the process as a badge of honor and will gladly undergo some uncomfortableness for the reassurance that I am, in fact, pregnant (of course, the superstitious side of me is now sure I have wished upon myself a whole host of horrible symptoms when the time comes...just to be clear universe, I will also be a.o.k with skating blithely by with no symptoms as well).

2. Relationships: Over the past year I have opened up to many, many, people about the process of trying. And I have developed so many stronger and greater relationships for it. My one coworker, with whom I was always close, confided she tried for 11 years before she finally adopted her son. Another coworker, with whom I had only been fleetingly close, disclosed a chemical pregnancy she had in December. I then told her about our trying and it turns out we go to the same BFF. Since then, we go to weekly coffee updates and text each other encouraging news. A similar thing happened with another girlfriend of mine. We had been close, but had drifted apart. When she offered me left over OPKs from the days when she was trying (and suffered two miscarriages), I wound up opening up to her. Since then she has been invaluable with council, support and advice. And this is just a handful of the people who listen to me and root for me everyday. I have been amazed (and saddened) to discover how many people have struggled to get their babies and I am grateful to hear their stories and gather more strength from their experiences. It has added a layer to all of those relationships that I might otherwise have missed out on.

So, again, given my druthers, I would be holding a three month old right now. However, I refuse to see this year (and the time that is still to possibly come) as a waste. While it may not have gone the way I wanted, I do appreciate that is has changed me, and in some ways for the better. Now, if anyone tells D that I slightly agree with him, I will deny everything.

So I open it up to the interwebs ... Anyone else find something they can appreciate about the wait? Or, are you wanting to punch me in the proverbial throat right now as well?