CD4
I had my CD2 bloodwork and ultrasound on Tuesday, and apparently, my ovaries are on strike. They are crying uncle after working so hard and have developed cysts as a form of protest (what? 13 months without a break is totally fair labor practices). To add insult to injury, the cysts are quite large and seem to be mocking me. I imagine I can hear my right ovary saying, "oh yeah we could have made you a 25mm follie, but you work us to hard. No good eggs 'til better working conditions."
So, like many big conglomerants before me, I must bow down before their united front and, according to my Dr., have to take this month off from trying.
And so, I am sad. Sad for the February baby I won't even have a chance to conceive. Doubly sad when I think about the fact that we are going on vacation next month and, due to this setback, I am pretty sure that month will have to be a break as well. Triply sad when I think about the fact that this means I won't really be trying again until July, when two good (presumably fertile) friends will be trying for their first and second child (although D feels the need to point out this is not a race...I'd still feel better if I these two months as a head start).
Yet, at the same time, I feel... relieved. After my initial sadness, other thoughts started creeping in. Like, not monitoring my body 24/7. And not getting up in the wee hours of the morning to make it to the clinic before 7 every other day. And not sticking needles into my stomach and peeing on tiny little sticks. And maybe even having sex just because I feel like it with my husband. It has been 13 months of non-stop trying and I am exhausted. I think I could use a break and I know I would never, ever have had the will power to take one on my own. Maybe this is a good thing?
And whether it is spin or the truth, I think I am doing mostly okay. It sucks to wait, but it's not like my trying was so successful anyway. Hopefully, once my ovaries have a chance to recoup and get some better treatment, they will get more serious on the job of making this baby.
I had my CD2 bloodwork and ultrasound on Tuesday, and apparently, my ovaries are on strike. They are crying uncle after working so hard and have developed cysts as a form of protest (what? 13 months without a break is totally fair labor practices). To add insult to injury, the cysts are quite large and seem to be mocking me. I imagine I can hear my right ovary saying, "oh yeah we could have made you a 25mm follie, but you work us to hard. No good eggs 'til better working conditions."
So, like many big conglomerants before me, I must bow down before their united front and, according to my Dr., have to take this month off from trying.
And so, I am sad. Sad for the February baby I won't even have a chance to conceive. Doubly sad when I think about the fact that we are going on vacation next month and, due to this setback, I am pretty sure that month will have to be a break as well. Triply sad when I think about the fact that this means I won't really be trying again until July, when two good (presumably fertile) friends will be trying for their first and second child (although D feels the need to point out this is not a race...I'd still feel better if I these two months as a head start).
Yet, at the same time, I feel... relieved. After my initial sadness, other thoughts started creeping in. Like, not monitoring my body 24/7. And not getting up in the wee hours of the morning to make it to the clinic before 7 every other day. And not sticking needles into my stomach and peeing on tiny little sticks. And maybe even having sex just because I feel like it with my husband. It has been 13 months of non-stop trying and I am exhausted. I think I could use a break and I know I would never, ever have had the will power to take one on my own. Maybe this is a good thing?
And whether it is spin or the truth, I think I am doing mostly okay. It sucks to wait, but it's not like my trying was so successful anyway. Hopefully, once my ovaries have a chance to recoup and get some better treatment, they will get more serious on the job of making this baby.
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