The Panic is Setting In...

I tested today. 4dp3dt (7DPO). Why?!? Why?! I don't think I have ever tested this early. Logically, I know it is not that likely to get a positive this early. And really, I had intended not to test at all except for the day of the beta. So why, why, why did I do this to myself (and more importantly, why am I letting it bother me)?

Ok...I kind of know why. The luxury of the "borderline" day. You know, most likely too early to get a positive, but still actually possible to get a positive. I call these days 7-9. Actually, I usually call these days 8-9. I have always firmly believed 7 was too early for a positive. But then, when I was trying to reassure myself of this fact, I turned to my good friend  enabler Google and found the site countdowntopregnancy.com. And according to them, the odds of getting a positive at 7dpo is actually 20%. 20%. That seems pretty good! So, like an addict, I broke out my pee sticks and tested. Erm...twice. And of course, blankety blank blank.

Argh. Now the panic is setting in. Of course I know a negative today does not really mean anything. I was negative with my son from 5dp3dt through 7dp3dt....so I know that things could definitely still be good. But seeing that blank test today made a negative outcome seem like a real and concrete possibility now. And between my completely failed FET, my chemical and my blighted ovum, I think I have pee stick PTSD. I am so scared of getting more blank tests, or even getting light tests (although - to be clear - I am MUCH more afraid of the blank ones). I've already decided that if I (please G-d) get a positive test, I will stop testing. But should I even be testing in the meantime? What if that positive doesn't come? I honestly don't know if my heart (and my husband) can handle it.

I wish I could say I am not going to test tomorrow. Or that I am going to throw out my tests. Or that I will be okay if I still have negatives once I no longer have borderline days as a buffer. But I know none of that is true. However, what is true is that I still have a chance no matter what today's test said. And that is what I need to focus on moving forward.