Beta #4 (22 dpo)

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who gave your support on my last post. It really does mean the world to me to be part of such a supportive community. I don't know how people go through IF without a system like this.

--------------------------------------

Yesterday, was beta day #4. I did not go into the day optimistically. When the nurse, upon finishing drawing my blood, walked away wishing me luck and sniffling, I immediately thought the worst (as I took it to be sniffling back tears. D told me to stop being so egocentric and that it was probably a cold. With perspective, I do see how it could be the latter).

Anyhow, my plan for yesterday was denial, denial, denial. I purposely left my phone in my car so I could not obsessively check the missed call log, and I purposely left work after the clinic closed so that it would definitely be a message. I figured out of sight, out of mind. And it surprisingly worked for most the day. In fact, as I was leaving, I felt at somewhat of a peace with the situation.

However, that peace only lasted until I got to my car. At 4:03, I left school and sure enough, there was a missed call on my phone. My heart started to pound and I felt sick. I anxiously picked it up and played the message, like ripping off a band aid. This is what it said (verbatim, because I replayed this message nearly a dozen times trying to read into it last night):

"Hi B. It's M. Good News.You numbers went up fine. I need you to call me back to schedule a fetal ultrasound for Tuesday, October 16."*

I nearly fell over in shock. And then immediately went into dissection mode. What does "fine" mean? Does "fine" mean the numbers doubled? Rose, but did not double? Am I out of the woods, or are they still concerned but don't want to subject me to more betas? And why the heck didn't she leave me the numbers (and this I only saw as a bad thing)?

I called back immediately, but since I got the message after the clinic closed at 4, of course no one was there to answer.

On the whole, I was relieved. I rationalized that nurse's don't can't say "good news" unless it is really that. Surely it is against some hippocratic oath to give false hope? But then I laid this theory on my best friend (who happens to be a Dr.) and without thinking she replied, "Oh no, I always give the best case scenerio possible. And so does every doctor I know. Unless the person is dying we pretty much always try to paint it in the best light". Cue renewed worry.

Today, I was able to speak with the nurse. I got my numbers. They are 1123. Based off of Monday's 573, we would have needed 1146 to double - so I am only 23 away. It is a doubling time of about 49.5 hours. While not the pace they originally doubled, it makes me feel better that our doubling time has shrunk again.

As for the worry, I don't think that will ever fully go away - especially the worry this is only a temporary reprieve. But it is one more hurdle passed, and for that I am grateful.

Especially because I can say, today, I am five weeks and 2 days pregnant :)

------
* I ran this voicemail by several non- IF friends. Not a one of them could see anything to worry about in that voicemail, so I am not sure if IF people will understand or truly everyone will think I am completely neurotic. But tell me, when was the last time you thought "fine" was a compliment? If D told me I looked "fine" before heading out, you better believe I would change...In the hierarchy of positive words, it definitely comes in at the bottom.