Seeing Double

.
And I can't believe it.

I am scared, more scared than I thought I would be with seeing this. I always envisioned doing a spontaneous touchdown dance when I finally got that second line, but instead I feel like I am holding the most precious of Faberge eggs on a tightrope. I am so aware of all the things that can still go wrong. I am petrified that the next test I take will be a blank one.

I know so many people would kill for that second line (myself included) so please please don't think me ungrateful. I am also happy and relieved and beyond anything else, hopeful. It is just that I am so afraid that it will get taken away.

But, as my mom said to me today: For today, this is real. For today, I have my second line.

Please please may it stick.

7dp3dpt - Update

So I tested today. My plan was to wait until Sunday (12DPO), but Wednesday's testing out of the trigger was like a gateway peestick. It took all I had not to test yesterday. So when I woke up at 4:40 this morning, wide awake and with a bladder full of pee, I took it as a sign.

It was negative, of course.

I have not even shed any tears. There was no outrage of indignation. No wash of self pity. Just "of course".

I know that many other people have tested at this point, gotten a negative, and gone on to have BFP. So I do know it can happen, and I wish I were optimistic. But I am just not feeling it. I truly can't believe that it will be me.

However, all peesticks in the house should be on high alert. It is on!

5dp3dt - Update

Symptom-wise, there is still nothing going on. I can't believe the progesterone is not even giving my false symptoms. But nope, my body is continuing with the regularly scheduled program.

In other news...

The PIO shots are finally catching up with me. Until yesterday I thought they were no big deal. D and I had been using all the tricks our nurse gave us: heating pad before the shot, running the shot under hot water for 15 seconds, and massaging the area well afterwards. However, D was out of town last night for work, and a friend had to give it to me instead. Without the follow-up shot massage, apparently that sucker can hurt. And though A loves me dearly and was my college roommate and beyond, I think she drew the line at massaging my hiney.

I decided to test out the trigger today. I figured it was my last "safe" day. Logically, at 8DPO, I would not expect a positive pregnancy test. Any day after today, I might be disappointed to find it glaringly white. So, I took the test and can officially report the trigger is no longer in me. I hope that is the last white pregnancy test I ever see.

And most excitingly, we got the call on Monday. Two of our embabies are now snow babies! Or, in plain English, two of the remaining six embryos made it to blast and were able to freeze. I am so ridiculously happy with the news.

So now we continue to wait. Beta is Tuesday. However, I will definitely be testing before then. Wish me some uterine cramping in the meantime (or maybe, if the infertility gods are feeling generous, some implantation bleeding would be nice).

Symptom Watch 2012 - 3dp3dt edition

Nada. Zip, zero, zilch.

This morning, I woke up, and my first thought was "I feel empty". I guess I did not realize my belly felt heavy over the weekend (although, that was probably not a symptom, but more likely the delicious food D bought and served me around the clock), but today I feel emptier than I did this weekend. In fact, I feel perfectly normal.

Now mind you, when both my ovaries were the size of grapefruits during the stims, I did not feel anything either, so I might not be the most in tune with my body. I also know the equivalent of 6dpo is not necessarily known for being a symptompalooza. But regardless, it would be nice to feel something.

Evolutionarily, I hope someday we get to the point where the minute you are knocked up, a bright neon sign blares over your head (or maybe on your belly). While awkward, it sure would make things a lot less stressful than wondering.

Transfer Day

Hi if you are here from ICLW. The husband and I are going through ivf, and today was our transfer day. Read more about our story by clicking on The Crib Notes link (I would hyperlink it here, but am not saavy enough to know how to do that from my phone).
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This morning D and I were on high alert. We were told that if we were to get moved to a 5 day transfer they would call at 8:30.  Waiting for that phone call was torture. At the time, I felt like I was waiting to hear if I got into the ivy leagues, or my safety school (D says a better comparison is making varsity versus JV, but I think that comes down to our differences...he was a jock and I was a nerd. We use what metaphors we can relate to). So we waited and waited. Finally, at 9 (8:35 for me), we determined we were a 3 day and prepared for our trip. And by that time, all thoughts of "consolation prize" flew out my head...we were going to get our babies!

The whole way to the clinic, I was a bundle of nerves. They never called with an update yesterday, so I had no idea how the embabies were doing. I was petrified we only has one left, and possibly of questionable quality. The only solace I had was that at least one must still be alive because otherwise they would have called and cancelled it.

Once we got there, we barely waited. Soon I was called back, derobed, ugly bootied, and on my way. Dr. O was pacing the halls ready to go, so we met with her immediately. She said we were transferring two grade 2, 8 cell embryos. She said the embryologist almost never gives grade 1 so she said they were really fantastic. Plus, 5 of the remaining 6 seem to be doing well and she said if they make it to blast we can freeze them! So the news was way better than expected (or feared).
After that it was pretty simple. I was called into the room and they had a tv set up in the ceiling. I was able to see our embryologist load our two embryos and D was able to see on the screen as they got transferred. We were supposed to get a picture of it, but somehow never did. However, I do have a picture of the two embryos before they were transferred. After that, they wheeled me out, I had some acupuncture, and then we left.

I have spent the remainder of the day horizontal. My clinic insists on 48 hours bedrest. According to my paperwork, I can get up only to eat and go the bathroom. This was the part I was looking forward to (D was on high alert for pampering). But, what sounds awesome in theory wears thin pretty quickly. I have watched a lot of tv and napped.  My computer is far away so am making do on my phone.  Other than that, there's not a lot of options.

But you know what?  It is so, so worth it.

 

Day 1 update

I'm not going to lie...today was rougher than I was expecting. Yesterday, I was surprised at how good I felt; today, I thought I should have been further along. I still have lower abdomen cramping and bloating. If yesterday was at a 4 max, I would say today was a consistent 4 on the pain scale. Plus, this morning, I was extremely nauseous. However, I am not sure if that is because I took my antibiotic on a nearly empty stomach, or because of after-effects from the retrieval. I am keeping a close eye on it and if I am still in pain/ nauseous tomorrow, I think I will give the doctor a call.

I was told the Dr. would call with the maturation/fertilization results today, so I was on bated breathe (and high cell phone alert) all day. As the hours ticked by, I tried to read into the silence. Were they not calling because my eggs were taking so long to fertilize? Because none fertilized and they leave bad news for the end of the day? When school let out at 3:30, I still hadn't heard anything. But instead of being able to call, I had to go immediately to a faculty meeting. It was torture.

But at 4:15 when I had a break in my faculty meeting I saw the blessed miss call signal. Of course, what was left was probably the pretty much the most long winded message EVER. It started by s.l.o.w.l.y telling me that I am scheduled for a 3 day transfer (everyone is at my clinic. Only if they are "perfect" will they go to a day 5) at 11am. Then the message went over all the prep I need to do. The whole time I was mentally hurrying her along, wanting to get the "goods" - namely, how many were mature, and, out of those, how many fertilized.

Finally, she reported the results:
17 eggs retrieved.
14 eggs matured.
8 eggs fertilized.
 

So good news! Of course, I would have preferred double digits fertilized (heck, in my perfect world, all 14 would have) but 8 is still a decent amount to work with. And it is so cool to think D and I created life yesterday and one of those eight (or more) could be our future child(ren).

Grow, embabies, grow!

Retrieval Day - the quick version

Just popping in quickly to say the retrieval was a success. Dr. O was able to get 17 eggs...now just hoping they mature, fertilize and develop like they are supposed to. I felt pretty ok this afternoon, but now have a fair bit of cramping (but not too bad...probably like a 3 or 4 on a pain scale).  Will update more tomorrow. Am off to zone out in front of the tv with the hubs who bought me my favorite ice cream as a treat!

Triggering tonight!

I had my last monitoring appointment this morning. Apparently I have over 30 eggs, and out of those, the doctor thinks 11 to 14 might be mature. Based on the ultrasound and blood work, I just got the call that we are doing the trigger tonight at 9:45pm!

I will go back tomorrow for another round of blood work and then retrieval is set for 8:45 on Tuesday morning. I am getting excited (and nervous)! The countdown is on!

A good day

Just a quick post to say yesterday was a good day. I went for my ultrasound and the nurse said I have 12 measurable eggs on the right and five on the left. She kept murmuring, "you're doing good, B" and I thought she meant with the vag cam (it was at an awkward angle because apparently the 12 eggs caused my right ovary to droop. Who knew they could droop?) But then she added on, "you're responding really well." And I nearly fell of the table. This is the first praise my poor body has gotten in over a year and a half. Normally, I am in the fertility remedial group, but yesterday I felt at the head of the class!

I asked about the fluid and she said it appears to be going away and she is not worried. My lining is still thin (of course), but she said she is not worried about that either. She expects it to be thick enough by the time we need it, and she said I will take estrace after the transfer to help it even more.

So fingers crossed things will continue to grow and develop. I go back on Friday and I am optimistic that hopefully we are getting close to trigger!

Pins and Needles

I thought after my scare on friday, I could be more cool, calm and collected moving forward (why I thought I would have a personality transplant, I have no idea). Instead, I am still the same bundle of nerves I was, and am still worried my cycle will be cancelled or compromised. The only thing that has changed is my reason.

You see, on Friday when I had my first ultrasound, the nurse mentioned that there was fluid in my uterus. She was unconcerned and just told me it was more of my period to come (oh joy) and I could expect a pretty big bleed this weekend. Sure enough, on Saturday, after my sister's shower, I had some bright red blood when I wiped. "Perfect," I thought. I threw on a pad and prepared for my flow. Except, it never came. That one time was it. Still, I did not think it was a big deal (foolishly I thought it was lucky) and progressed happily with my weekend.

Fast forward to my ultrasound yesterday. The fluid, of course, was still there. The nurse asked if I was still bleeding and I told her I never did. This leads her to comment that she is concerned by the fluid. However, she did not expand, and later that day she called to explain my meds for the night, so I kind of forgot about it.

Until, that is, I was idlely doing work on the computer and got the idea to google. Why? WHY? But I did. And what I found does not look good. Fluid in the uterus has been shown to have a negative impact on implantation. Sometimes people have cycles cancelled because of it. Others proceed but it reduces your odds. D told me to ignore the internet, but I feel like it is valid research since the nurse said she was concerned (so it is not like I am making up that this could be an issue).

I know the moral of this story is that I have to just ask the nurse tomorrow what this means. But I hate to again be in an abnormal position. I swear, I am feeling like a fertility loser where things just keep going wrong one after the other. And I know I got saved on Friday, but I hope that was not just to trip over something else.

So, can anyone lift my spirits? Has anyone else had fluid that turned out to be no big deal?

Melodramatic Me

At 1:40, I had a missed call from a restricted number on my cell phone. Since I was teaching, I could not check it, but inwardly, I died a little. The nurse had said, more than once, they would only call if it was bad news. If it was good news, I would not hear and could just proceed as planned. I spent the next two hours trying not to cry, and planning out exactly what I would buy at the liquor store to get me through tonight and my sister's baby shower tomorrow (I was pretty sure the champagne I bought for the mimosas would be the first casualty).

I don't know how I made it until 3:30, but as soon as the last kid was out the door, my cell phone was to my ear. And I got the biggest surprise of my life. The cyst is just a cyst! Supposedly it is producing no hormones and the cycle is a go. I start stimming tonight!!

So now I feel like quite the drama queen. But truly, gutted is how I felt this morning. As I know many of you can relate,  after all the setbacks and negative sticks, you begin to expect the worst. And honestly, it typically has been. To say I am shocked to be on the other end is an understatement. However, it also makes me aware of what a long, long road it still is, and that many more things may go wrong. But for today, I am grateful we are getting our chance to try. For today, I feel lucky.

Gutted

I just went for my first ultrasound/ bw appt and am supposed to start the stims tonight. As you know, I've been on pins and needles since the spotting, petrified this cycle would be cancelled. Some call it paranoia. I call it premonition.

I, of course, have a new cyst. If it is producing estrogen, the cycle must be postponed. The nurse puts the odds at 50:50 (not knowing about my 5 hour late pill, she said it would only be if I "somehow broke through the pill or lupron"). Knowing what I do, I put the odds at much greater than that.

I know it will only be a month or so, but I will am so upset. I am tired of waiting to try. The last "real" shot I had was in june, and that was with 12 eggs, the largest of which was 14mm. Before that, it was April.

But there is nothing I can do now but wait. If no call, we proceed as planned. Please please pray my phone is silent today.

Spilling the beans

Thanks to everyone for your input on how best to sneak the meds past the parents (gosh, I feel like it was not that long ago I would be trying to sneak a 6-pack past them. My how times change...). We ultimately put it in a small, black lunch bag and shoved it in the back of each fridge. We then adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy (as in, if they did not ask, we definitely were not telling). In the end, it worked out well and if either parent wondered about the strange bag in the fridge, neither mentioned it.

With victory in our grasp, we did the one thing that surprised me most. We told his parents anyway.

You see, I really took your comments to heart. So many of you mentioned the strength, love and support you got from your families. I already have that because my mom (and that whole side of my family) know. But then I started to wonder, was I denying D that? What he not getting the support he needs? Here his parents were at dinner, giving him a hard time that he was not taking off days for the annual hunting trip, asking, "what could be so important that you have to save your days for?" And he was stammering, and trying to lie, and that is not fair. He deserves to be able to talk about this with someone besides me. I could not get through this without my family; and I want him to have the support of his.

So we told them, and it went amazingly well. They were very supportive (and surprisingly, most proud that I give myself my own shots. I think I earned some street cred). In her excitement, his mother offered to retire and help if we have twins, and move in if we have triplets! They both were very respectful when we told them this was not common knowledge, and after our brief 5 or 10 minute conversation, did not bring it up again.  The best part? D was vague about when were doing the IVF, so there will be no expected phone call or notification immediately afterwards. I think my biggest fear was one more group of people waiting to hear on pins and needles how things went. The way we left it, they won't need to know until we are ready to talk about it.


Now we just have my dad left to tell, and the entire family will be in the loop. It may not be the way I envisioned telling my family about future grandchildren, but then again, nothing in this process has been the way I imagined. And you know what? I will take the extra prayers and support in the meantime.