Monday, February 27, 2012


So I am sitting here at CD12, and feeling something I haven't felt in a long time (about a year)*

This month, I am not temping. After last month's hope and then plummet, I promised myself (and D) that I would stop - I can't handle it. It was either quit or get committed, and since I don't think they allow wine in institutions, the temping habit had to go. So, I sleep instead. I have to say, it's kinda nice.

I am not doing OPKs this month either (well, slight lie. I did one OPK yesterday). But, I read online that Clomid can give you false positives, so I figure it is not reliable right now. They say wait 3 days to test, and by that time I will already be back for my follow up u/s and bloodwork. So, I have peed only when I need to, and have not gotten any near bladder infections from holding my pee for 4 hours straight.

Thirdly, I think, right now, I am kind of numb. I don't actually expect this month to work. NO really - I am not just saying that. I feel like I am going through the motions, participating and going forward, but I don't feel like I am an active part of anything. Of course I would be THRILLED if I were to get pregnant, but I am no longer thinking "this might be my month". And call me a slow learner, but it is the first month I can actually say I am not feeling that way. It's not to say I am hopeless (because I'm not depressed), but maybe just getting a tougher skin.

The one thing I am still doing is checking cm. If I had to go by that alone, I would say I am ovulating now. It seems very fertile, which is surprising to me since my acupuncturist said the Clomid would actually dry up CM. Has anyone experienced something similar?

It does make me wonder if there is a possibility I could ovulate before Thursday, which would of course mess up my lovely IUI. But even that I am surprisingly free from obsessing about. It's not like the IUIs have done much for us yet, so I figure we have just as good odds with sex. In the meantime, I am still just employing my drill sergeant foreplay technique of getting D in the mood. Attention! Sex is coming at 23:00. Get the boys ready. I don't CARE that you're tired! (Hey, I said I was free - not laid back).

* I of course still feel the need to caveat this by saying that who knows how "free" I am going to feel once I get to the TWW. A whole new B comes out then - she is crazy and I am frightened of her.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

My New BFF

So yesterday was my first appointment with the Big Fancy Fertility (BFF) doctor - confusingly also named also Dr. D. Funnily enough, his name is pronounced very close to the original Dr. D. So much so, that when I first made the appointment my mom encouraged me to go on the web site to make sure they were actually different doctors - and because my life is very similar to a French farce film that was not entirely outside the realm of possibility. Luckily however, they were not. However, for clarity's sake, I will just refer to this doc as my BFF.

Unfortunately, my BFF did not have my medical records (because I was too chicken to call Dr. D and ask for them. Plus, I rationalized to myself that this was only a consultation), so basically he had to go by the info I could supply him. Which as I've said before, is not much. I think he was a little appalled. He asked me where my endo was located and we heard crickets chirp. I had no idea - Dr. D literally never told me what was/ was not covered. I ventured a sheepish, "I think my tubes are clear because I had an HSG?" and he just responded that I should really get my charts ASAP. Dually noted.

After the embarrassing interlude that revealed I know almost nothing about the treatment I have been receiving or my diagnoses (cyst? the doctor asked. Is it an endometrium cyst? an ovarian cyst? --- clearly he was not a quick learner from our previous conversation which revealed I am completely ignorant about all things that I can't google) he went into what he thought our game plan should be. I am dubbing it the "one size fits all" plan, because, based on my frequenting of fertility boards, I feel like this is what every fertility doc suggests regardless of what is going on with you:

50mg clomid+ IUI (vary dosage as needed).

Now, in some ways I am thrilled. I have been itching for something more aggressive, and this plan requires absolutely no knives or lasers to go through my abdomen (a major plus). But on the other hand, I worry if it is right for me. I have been reading the book Making Babies and it talks about how Dr's often just suggest meds without worrying about looking into why the problem is happening. Is that what is happening here? And ultimately, do I /should I care? Conversely, maybe a lot of doctors suggest it because it is the logical place to start (anyone else hear Julie Andrews singing, "let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start"?). Finally, I guess I was pretty set in believing Dr. D who thought surgery was next, both because of the possible cyst and because the endo could be back. I was surprised that this Dr. dismissed both of those ideas (again, to be fair, without seeing my chart). Ultimately, I kind of feel like it comes down to which Dr. do I trust more? And I don't know...I left more confused then when I came in...

Yet, despite all this angst, in actuality I did come to a pretty rapid conclusion. I decided to do the Clomid. C'mon...Immediate action vs. pondering/ third opinion/ losing a month? It was a no-brainer. I figure I can always re-evaluate later.

Plus, if all else fails, it might be worth noting that he looked very much like Henry Winkler. So maybe he will knock his hips into my ovaries, say "ayyyyy" and my uterus will start working, much like the jukebox at Arnold's?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

When Life Hands You Lemons...

So I feel like I am always doom and (sarcastic, whiny) gloom on here. And yes, I am bummed and angry my period came. But, instead of focusing on that, I want to focus on the good to come from this past cycle:

1. I found a trigger shot that actually works!
2. My chart looked good (until it looked really bad). But still, it was nice (and heart attack inducing) to see some consistency. Maybe the acupuncture is helping?
3. My progesterone test (at 5dpo, not 7) came back as a 12 which is much higher than expected.
4. My luteal phase was longer than its ever been! Usually it is 12 days, and has been as short as 11. This month I made it to 13 days. Again, I think 3 cheers for the acupuncture.

Plus, I put on my big girl pants and called the new re and actually made an appointment. So, on Tuesday I go to the big fancy fertility (bff) docs.

All of this gives me hope that maybe next month (or some month soon) might actually work for us...

Until then, I am taking my lemons and making some limoncello (lemonade is for wusses).

CD 1...


And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, "that's all I have to say about that."

Friday, February 10, 2012

Can Hope Kill You?

I think it just might.

I went into this TWW so blase, so calm. But now, not so much.

But it's not entirely my fault. It is partly to blame on my chart. You see, it keeps going up. Like, up up. Like, if a girl posted it on a baby board asking if we thought she might be pregnant, I'd be all "B*tch please, you know you are going to get a positive. You are just looking for affirmation. Now get off the board for those of us with real problems".

Now, I might have a little empathy for her. So yes, my chart is going up. But why? Would the Lupron do it? Would the acupuncture? Would winter with my heavy comforter and even heavier layering blanket (plus socks!) do it? Or maybe all the warm foods I am eating? Who knows! Certainly not me.

On top of that, I've been sick. My stomach has been bad for the past three days. Not throwing up sick. Just (TMI if all my medical diagnoses aren't already the epitome of that...but gross TMI alert) I have been having to go to the bathroom - a lot. And feeling constantly full /heavy bellied. Now, I am not usually a symptom spotter as I think all symptom spotting is delusion, but nevertheless, this is how I feel. However, it could be excited belly based on the aforementioned temps. Or perhaps the fact that most people I know have had a stomach bug of some sort in the last couple of weeks. But still, it could be something else...

So what's a girl to do? Well, yesterday was 9DP(suspected)O and I broke down and tested. Even after promising D I would wait until after my missed period (oops). But I did not even do it smartly. I tested at night with less than 3 hours worth of pee in me. I feel like such a fertility novice! What a rookie mistake - of course it was a BFN. Of course! And even though I could rationalize why until the cows come home, I was still disappointed and discouraged.

Then, this morning at 10DPO, my temps plummeted. Like 1929 stock market crash plummeted. I can't even say I was surprised. It was more Oh hello there, I've been expecting you. But I can say it sucks. Especially because the crash came early. It is only 10DPO. I should (counting today) have 3 full days until I get my period. Maybe 2. But still. Stupid high temps gave me hope and then the crash just snatched it all away. It would almost have been better to have my typical up-down-up-down heartbeat-looking chart where it is so sporadic you know there is no way a positive pee stick is coming.

I read a quote yesterday that said, "I can't tell if this is killing me or making me stronger." Amen to that.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Other Two Week Wait Distractions...

So temping is not the only way I am biding my time. I have also logged countless man hours into planning D and my summer vacation. We are still narrowing down exactly where, but here are my super tough requirements:

1. We must book NOW(ish) … I want something to look forward to and that will serve as a distraction. Instead of baby sites I want to be logging onto sites selling resort wear or offering tours.

2. It must be somewhere good if you are pregnant, but fabulous if you are not. Meaning I want to enjoy it in case I (pretty please) get pregnant, but if I am not I want to be able to bask in my non-pregnant-ness (by doing things like rocking a bikini, or hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro, or drinking a mojito...or perhaps Hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro in a bikini while drinking a mojito? But the main point is, all the while I can be thinking "Gawd this is awesome and I could never do this if I were pregnant!").

And that's it. Otherwise, the world's our oyster.

Well, turns out, the world's expensive. My top choice of Paris (the soft cheeses! The champagne! The unstable cobblestone streets! It's a non-preggers dream!) turned out to be sliiiiightly over our budget. And by slightly I mean I might have had to sell my (read: one of D's) organs to get there. London was similarly out of reach. And D, being a lovable redhead, has always put the kibosh on islands. That is, until his desire to please his fertility frustrated wife has lead him to do the unthinkable and suggest an island vacation!

Enter renewed hope and vigor. For the past several days I have been channeling my normal baby-obsessed energy into one that has Sandals, Couples, and Breezes on simultaneously opened internet searches. I have logs of prices and tripadvisor has become my new best friend. I follow D around the house with my laptop, peppering questions about his preferences at him when he least expects it. I am still narrowing down my choices, but I think we have a top contender. It looks beautiful, there are loungers a plenty, and the booze runs freely. Also, it's adults only, so there won't be a baby in sight.

I can't wait until it's booked and I can enjoy a different kind of countdown entirely!

how many times a day is too much?

No, not for that. *Blush* - for temping.

Clearly the answer is anything over one.

But, given that I may be crazy, you need to consider exceptional circumstances.

So here are reasons that you need to temp more than once:

1. For confirmation. See after you've been up a bit you need to confirm that your raised temp is not because of sleeping in socks (a newly developed [hateful] habit since reading that cold feet means cold uterus. This is not the message I want to be sending to my eggs. I want a uterus equivalent to a crackling fireplace with "home sweet home" in needlepoint over the mantle). So, after walking around, you need to confirm that your high temp is still high, regardless of circumstance.

2. If that second temp has dropped, you need to take a third temp to see which of the previous two temps is more accurate. We call this the tie-breaker temp.

3. The rocky night's sleep. Unfortunately this is one of my most frequent reasons for multiple temps. I am supposed to temp at 5:30. I wake up at 4 and don't get out of bed, but it is close to time to get up, so maybe I should temp just in case to see where I am. Same goes for when I wake up at 5 and 5:30 (optional retemps at 4:30...yes, I know, I should see someone about complete inability to sleep).

4. Um...anytime I see the thermometer. Literally.

I blame all this excessive temping on the fact that 1-5 DPO are the most boring of the entire cycle. No realistic pregnancy symptoms (somehow on this I can be rational), no ovulation watch, no boozy haydays of CD1 - 7. Without mother nature providing any entertainment, I am forced to find ways to keep myself busy.

Somehow, though, I don't think this is what they mean about keeping yourself distracted and occupied during the two week wait.