Saturday, October 27, 2012

Ultrasound #2

Yesterday was Ultrasound #2 at 7w3d.

There was a beautiful heartbeat, 133bmp that filled up the room with its sound. Baby seems to be measuring on track (although my doctor still determinedly keeps the actual numbers and figures away from me). The ultrasound picture is even cooler than last week.

As for me, I am still pretty much symptom-free. I tend to want to go to bed a 8:30pm, and get raging hunger if not fed on a regular basis, but honestly? I kind of suspect  I always feel this way (pregnant or not), and am now just giving into it...

Due to D's travel schedule, next ultrasound is Tuesday at 8w0d. That will be our last visit to the RE and then we graduate to the regular OBgyn.

Holy shit, this is starting to feel real.My insular layer of pessimism I've been using to protect myself is starting to get broken into by hope. And that scares the crap out of me, and makes me happy, at the same time.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

1st ultrasound

The days leading up to today have been interminable. Pessimistic at the best of times, I seemed to have hit a new low over the past couple of days. It was doom and gloom, all the time, on constant repeat. I cannot tell you how many people (D, family, friends) I would randomly tell “I am not expecting to see a heartbeat on Wednesday” or “It won’t be good news”. It was like I had to keep saying it so I could protect myself. If I did not get my hopes up, then maybe the bad news could not hurt me.

Google only added fuel to my depression fire. Apparently, tilted uteruses (uteri?) can make it difficult to see heartbeats/ get measurements (and guess what I am lucky enough to have). And even if everything was perfect and non-tilted, 6w is very early to see a heartbeat. I bemoaned that my appt was a 6w1d and not later in the week. I became convinced that even in my best case scenario, we would only see a sac, but no heartbeat. I knew I had reached my depression zenith when, getting ready today, I purposely wore glasses and no mascara, convinced I would be crying in the doctor’s office. Not exactly the excitement and joy you hope to approach your first ultrasound appointment with.

Thankfully, once we go to the doctor’s office, we did not have to wait for long. Dr. O was in with us in a few minutes. Almost immediately after she put the wand in she said, “there is one, good looking sac.”
 And then, a few seconds later, “and there’s the heartbeat.”

Sure enough, there was a little light flickering away on the screen. She tried to hear it but she said it was too little. It was apparently too little to measure as well. But it was there. D stood mesmerized, grinning like a loon, as she finished taking the measurements.

I cannot tell you the gratitude I felt in that moment. We were getting our chance. Our little one has a beating heart.

Afterwards, she sat with us to answer questions. Even though I have had tons, I never wrote a list this week assuming it was going to be bad news, so of course my mind was blank as she sat there with us. Plus I think I was so overwhelmed, I could not even think to ask questions relating to this appointment (even basic ones like “what were the measurements?”). Instead, we sat around and she rattled off stuff she thought we should know. Important information from our meeting: we can stop the p.i.o (yay! I've gotten a rather lumpy upper butt) and go on crinone, and I can reduce my estridol to 1 dose per day. She also told me to call my regular ob and schedule an appt for after 8 weeks,  and then she made some recommendations when I told her I haven’t been to a regular ob in years since I have seen specialists as of late. After that we made an appt for next week and we were on our way.

I am of course, so happy and feel incredibly blessed.  But in the interest of full disclosure, the unbridled happiness lasted all of about 30 minutes. After that, the worry crept back in. What were the measurements? She never mentioned the fetal pole – do I have one? Am I one track for 6w1d?  Could my low betas indicate a chromosomal abnormality and things still go horribly wrong?

As I rattled these off to D, cursing that I did not ask the doctor, he turned to me and lovingly, but firmly, said, “Stop it. Enjoy the day.”

 So that's what I am going to do.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Beta #4 (22 dpo)

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who gave your support on my last post. It really does mean the world to me to be part of such a supportive community. I don't know how people go through IF without a system like this.

Yesterday, was beta day #4. I did not go into the day optimistically. When the nurse, upon finishing drawing my blood, walked away wishing me luck and sniffling, I immediately thought the worst (as I took it to be sniffling back tears. D told me to stop being so egocentric and that it was probably a cold. With perspective, I do see how it could be the latter).

Anyhow, my plan for yesterday was denial, denial, denial. I purposely left my phone in my car so I could not obsessively check the missed call log, and I purposely left work after the clinic closed so that it would definitely be a message. I figured out of sight, out of mind. And it surprisingly worked for most the day. In fact, as I was leaving, I felt at somewhat of a peace with the situation.

However, that peace only lasted until I got to my car. At 4:03, I left school and sure enough, there was a missed call on my phone. My heart started to pound and I felt sick. I anxiously picked it up and played the message, like ripping off a band aid. This is what it said (verbatim, because I replayed this message nearly a dozen times trying to read into it last night):

"Hi B. It's M. Good News.You numbers went up fine. I need you to call me back to schedule a fetal ultrasound for Tuesday, October 16."*

I nearly fell over in shock. And then immediately went into dissection mode. What does "fine" mean? Does "fine" mean the numbers doubled? Rose, but did not double? Am I out of the woods, or are they still concerned but don't want to subject me to more betas? And why the heck didn't she leave me the numbers (and this I only saw as a bad thing)?

I called back immediately, but since I got the message after the clinic closed at 4, of course no one was there to answer.

On the whole, I was relieved. I rationalized that nurse's don't can't say "good news" unless it is really that. Surely it is against some hippocratic oath to give false hope? But then I laid this theory on my best friend (who happens to be a Dr.) and without thinking she replied, "Oh no, I always give the best case scenerio possible. And so does every doctor I know. Unless the person is dying we pretty much always try to paint it in the best light". Cue renewed worry.

Today, I was able to speak with the nurse. I got my numbers. They are 1123. Based off of Monday's 573, we would have needed 1146 to double - so I am only 23 away. It is a doubling time of about 49.5 hours. While not the pace they originally doubled, it makes me feel better that our doubling time has shrunk again.

As for the worry, I don't think that will ever fully go away - especially the worry this is only a temporary reprieve. But it is one more hurdle passed, and for that I am grateful.

Especially because I can say, today, I am five weeks and 2 days pregnant :)

* I ran this voicemail by several non- IF friends. Not a one of them could see anything to worry about in that voicemail, so I am not sure if IF people will understand or truly everyone will think I am completely neurotic. But tell me, when was the last time you thought "fine" was a compliment? If D told me I looked "fine" before heading out, you better believe I would change...In the hierarchy of positive words, it definitely comes in at the bottom.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Beta #3 (20dpo)

When I had not heard by 3:30 today, I began to suspect the worse. It seems the better the news, the earlier the call at my clinic.

Sure enough, this call came at 3:55.

My numbers did not quadruple. I had 234 on Thursday. I needed to be at around 940 today for a doubling time of 48 hours. Instead, my number was 573.

My nurse says it is good they went up, just slower then they like.  I have to go Wednesday for a fourth beta and hopefully the numbers will double (or still be rising I guess).

However, I am feeling all out of hope for today.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Beta # 2 (16dpo)

<p>The phone call came at 2:00, earlier than normal. Of course, this sent me into a tailspin. Do they do bad news early? Was I so good they are excitedly calling early? What does it mean? (Most likely it means she took pity onme since I was a nervous wreck when she took my blood this morning!).</
Of course, I had to wait until the last kid left the room, which seems painfully slow. And then I had to come up with a viable excuse to get my student teacher out of the room. And then another teacher came in wanting to talk. Finally, the last person left and I went into the coat closet to have some privacy. I was shaking and could barely press in my phone code.

As soon as I heard the nurse's voice, I tried to read into it, but got nothing. Thankfully, she got right to the point.

It was good news. My number today is 234 (so more than double my original 84). I will go back Monday for my final beta.

I am not someone who has ever cried tears of relief or joy. But I came the closest I ever have today. I truly think there are few sweeter words (and no sweeter numbers) I have ever heard.

I know it is still a long, scary road ahead (in fact, a mere 4 days away), but I am so happy to have passed this milestone. I just hope and pray this trend continues.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Beta #1 (14dpo)

I had my first beta today. Even though I have continued to get darker tests, and even a digital yesterday, I was so scared to go today. This is the "real deal" and even though they say false positives are near impossible, I certainly know chemical pregnancies are a very real thing.

Amazingly I did not really Google average beta for 14DPO. From reading everyone's blogs, I kind of felt that over 100 was my goal. With over 100, I could breathe a little easier. Not that I would be out of the woods, but just a tad more confident.

Instead, my beta is 84. Not so low that I am freaking out, but not high enough that I feel good about it either. I am consoling myself with the idea that really, it just needs to double, regardless of the number.

Repeat Beta is set for Thursday am. In the meantime, I figure I can either be Zen, or I can worry, and google, and retest. In case you have any doubts about which direction I am going...

Obsessed? Yes. But also relieved to see the lines getting darker.