Sunday, August 30, 2015

Angry

i am so angry. So betrayed and hurt and surprised. And then angry that I feel all those things again.

I got my first positive at 9dpo- faint, but there.
Beta was at 14dpo- 108! My best beta ever (sad I know).
Beta at 16dpo - 204...not quite doubling, but a stone's throw from where it should be. The nurse scoffed at me when I expressed my concern.
22dpo- ultrasound shows sac the right size and place. I start to panic due to flashbacks of my blighted ovum which was just a sac. But nurse repeatedly assured me they saw exactly what they needed to/should at this point. Beta comes back at 1540. Cue more panic because a doubling time of only 57 hours, but nurse again says it is fine and not to worry. Despite all odds, I actually do put my worry aside. I figure I am being ridiculous and chasing trouble. I have never been a beta rockstar and the nurse seems confident.

Last night. 5w6d. Walking back from dinner during a "romantic getaway" with my husband and I feel a gush as I walk. It vaguely reminds me of my period, but I dismiss as probably the joy of vaginal suppositories. I head to the bathroom and am covered in blood. Thick, dark red, unmistakeable. I could not even really cry because my shock was so real.

If it had stopped at one gush, I might still have hope. The on-call doctor tried to give me hope when I called. My lack of cramping was a good thing. But then, I did have cramping. Not in my stomach, but my lower back, just like my period. And the blood kept coming. Heavy...filling up one pad, then two, then three. More than I can remember ever seeing at one time.

It's stopped now. At least, I think it has. It lasted all of about three hours; by midnight last night it was for the most part over. And now I sit in a super crowded doctor's office, full of people with hope for their iui and their monitoring bloodwork. And I am dying inside.

My  third miscarriage in 14 months. No two the same. A chemical, a blighted ovum, a "typical" bleed. All completely sucky.

I am different too. Bitter. Not sure I can do this again. I have a beautiful son. I have a life I keep putting on hold. I have pounds of depression/pregnancy weight I have gained from non-viable pregnancies that I want to lose. Maybe the time has come to move on. Take control of the things I can control and be fulfilled with what I have. Maybe.

But for now, I am angry and bitter and betrayed.

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