Here I go again...

Bless me internet, for I have lapsed. It has been over 2 years since my last posting.

I don't know why I am posting. Or what I am expecting. I think the only reader I might still have is my sister (*waves hello*). But on the same token, infertility sucks. And you know what sucks just as much as infertility...secondary infertility.And I just feel like venting. So, anyway, here I go (again)...

I would never say it is worse. There is NOTHING worse than that fear that you will never be a mother. But  that is not to say that secondary fertility is easy. First, you feel guilty.  You remember what it was like to have primary infertility. I can't tell you how many secondary infertility blogs I quickly clicked off with an eye roll and "get over yourself" thought when I was going through primary infertility. But now that I am here, I get it. It sucks. Sorry. But having gone through primary infertility,  the fact that you are even complaining  about wanting a second baby makes you feel like the worst, most greediest person in the world. Of course you are blessed. Of course you are grateful for the miracle that is your child. Yet you want more. And you feel incredibly guilty for that.

Second, when you are going through primary infertility, people kind of *get* it. They understand that yearning to be a mother. But when you have secondary infertility, it's not the same. I can't tell you how many people have told me H is "such a blessing" and "even if he is my only child, I am so lucky". I hear you. I get it. See my above paragraph about the guilt. However on the same token, all these people that are telling me to be happy to have one and it will happen if/when G-d plans, seem just a tad hypocritical because they got to have the family size/spacing/etc of their choice. So not only are you going through the struggle, but you feel slightly more alone, guilty, and judged.

Third, all infertility is not created equally. My first time, it turns out, I had relatively "easy" infertility (oh how past B would totally punch present B in the face for typing that). But seriously, it was extremely painful and hard, but when we finally did IVF, it worked.  I now realize how incredibly, incredibly lucky that was. This time has been much more emotionally charged.  I am 16 months in, have 2 Failed FETs (well, one BFN, and one blighted ovum) and one natural chemical. Plus, I had another fresh IVF that resulted in a freeze all on day 3 instead of 5 because they looked "average at best". It gets really scary when these "Big Guns" don't work. Because what is left?

Anyway, despite this brain dump of pessimism, I actually don't feel as bleak as this sounds.  I am currently in the TWW after an FET (my third so far since having H in 2013).  We are using the "average at best" embryos which miraculously looked "excellent" yesterday. They are a 7 cell and an 8 cell. My son H, was a 3 day 8 cell embryo, so I have to say, I felt optimistic yesterday looking at the photo. It reminded me so much of that time 3 years ago when this was all still new, unknown, and most importantly, worked. Please please, may this third time be the charm.