Total honesty? This post was pretty hard for me to write. No one likes to admit to being less-than-perfect and I guess I am wondering why I feel the need to do so to a worldwide web full of people. Maybe if it has to do with my Catholic roots and the desire for confession? Who knows....
I am usually a nice, happy-go-lucky kind of girl. More than one person has accused me of being a Pollyanna. In fact, my very best friend so kindly admitted to me once that she hated me the first few weeks of college because I was such a goody-two-shoes and, horror of all horrors, perky. However, with this whole trying for a baby thing, I feel I have turned into something of a (bitter) witch.
For starters, I can't stand pregnancy announcements. I hate writing that out and I want to add a million caveats, but if I boil it down to the truth, that statement has to stand on its own. Before family events, I grill D on whether he thinks so-and-so will be pregnant. When I see on facebook that someone is pregnant, I have a fierce five second urge to delete them as a friend. And I was having palpitations before attending my best friend's birthday party because I was convinced another girl there was going to be pregnant. She wasn't. In fact, she is struggling too and about to start her first IUI. And you know what I felt? Relieved. Relieved that I was not alone and relieved that I was not sitting next to her burgeoning belly.
Now before you start throwing tomatoes at me through the screen, my relief was quickly followed by shame (at myself) and then empathy for the girl. I wound up talking to her about various steps she could take and cheering her on with the procedure. But I can't deny that my very first emotion, however fleeting, was relief. And I also can't deny that if she had been pregnant, there is a very good chance I would have been snippy with D all night and drank myself into a near coma.
And I hate that. I don't want to resent people something so wonderful. I don't want to feel relief that someone else who is trying too is still unsuccessful. Struggling is not something I would wish on anyone. And when I really think about it, I don't think what I feel is so much ill-will towards others, but more a pity-party and resentment of myself and this situation. Regardless, it is ugly and not who I want to be.
To answer my earlier question of myself, I think I write this because I have to believe others have felt this way too. That we have this desire to be happy for others, to still feel that a victory for one is a victory for all, but deep down it is hard when you are feeling like the world's biggest piece of crap for not being pregnant yet. And unless you've been there yourself it is hard to understand. But I am trying my best to pull myself out this funk. I worked hard to be a Pollyanna for most my life - I refuse to let trying-to-conceive turn me into a Brenda Walsh.