Saturday, January 14, 2012

Hating the Hater in Me

Total honesty? This post was pretty hard for me to write. No one likes to admit to being less-than-perfect and I guess I am wondering why I feel the need to do so to a worldwide web full of people. Maybe if it has to do with my Catholic roots and the desire for confession? Who knows....

I am usually a nice, happy-go-lucky kind of girl. More than one person has accused me of being a Pollyanna. In fact, my very best friend so kindly admitted to me once that she hated me the first few weeks of college because I was such a goody-two-shoes and, horror of all horrors, perky. However, with this whole trying for a baby thing, I feel I have turned into something of a (bitter) witch.

For starters, I can't stand pregnancy announcements. I hate writing that out and I want to add a million caveats, but if I boil it down to the truth, that statement has to stand on its own. Before family events, I grill D on whether he thinks so-and-so will be pregnant. When I see on facebook that someone is pregnant, I have a fierce five second urge to delete them as a friend. And I was having palpitations before attending my best friend's birthday party because I was convinced another girl there was going to be pregnant. She wasn't. In fact, she is struggling too and about to start her first IUI. And you know what I felt? Relieved. Relieved that I was not alone and relieved that I was not sitting next to her burgeoning belly.

Now before you start throwing tomatoes at me through the screen, my relief was quickly followed by shame (at myself) and then empathy for the girl. I wound up talking to her about various steps she could take and cheering her on with the procedure. But I can't deny that my very first emotion, however fleeting, was relief. And I also can't deny that if she had been pregnant, there is a very good chance I would have been snippy with D all night and drank myself into a near coma.

And I hate that. I don't want to resent people something so wonderful. I don't want to feel relief that someone else who is trying too is still unsuccessful. Struggling is not something I would wish on anyone. And when I really think about it, I don't think what I feel is so much ill-will towards others, but more a pity-party and resentment of myself and this situation. Regardless, it is ugly and not who I want to be.

To answer my earlier question of myself, I think I write this because I have to believe others have felt this way too. That we have this desire to be happy for others, to still feel that a victory for one is a victory for all, but deep down it is hard when you are feeling like the world's biggest piece of crap for not being pregnant yet. And unless you've been there yourself it is hard to understand. But I am trying my best to pull myself out this funk. I worked hard to be a Pollyanna for most my life - I refuse to let trying-to-conceive turn me into a Brenda Walsh.

8 comments:

  1. I'm sure I've written this exact post! If not on my blog, definitely in my head a thousand times. You are so not alone in hating pregnancy announcements and yet not liking yourself too much for feeling the resentment and anger that others have made it and you're still in the trenches. I'm so sorry it is difficult for you right now. You are not alone in your feelings at all. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you so much for the support! I hate to say misery loves company, but it definitely helps me to feel more normal knowing that others have felt this way too. I just clicked through to your blog and saw that you are pregnant now - which helps me remember there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months!!

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  2. You are definitely not alone in hating pregnancy announcements. I dread them with all of my being.

    Just found your blog on LFCA. I have endo, too. Read your switching doctors post and I have to say, just go for it. You could always go back to Dr. Laid-back later on. I more regret not switching a couple of times when I first had the inclination to.

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    1. Thanks for the feedback. I am still waffling on the whole doctor thing (me = wuss). I just started reading the book Making Babies: A Three month Guide to Maximizing Your Fertility and it is making me feel like perhaps the slow pace is a good thing (however, to be fair I am only about 30 pages in. And to be even more fair, when my dr. called today with results of my bloodwork and told me my eggs were "doing nothing" I was about ready to scream with frustration at my slow moving body. So we'll see how long this zen-like approach lasts for me).

      Wishing you lots of luck and baby dust!!

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  3. 1) Just found your blog via LFCA and I think I'll say. That is, if you don't mind. :)

    2) My tip of the day: Delete your Facebook shortcuts, take the app off your phone, and just avoid it like the plague! You will be a happier person if you do. It got to the point where I was stalking all the girls that I knew were pregnant on FB, and hated them even more with each post. And then I hated myself for it. None of it makes sense, but it is HEALTHIER for you.

    3) My 2 closest friends in the world are both pregnant (27 weeks and 6 weeks). It's hard. It's so, so, so hard and I struggle with feelings of jealousy and envy and guilt and feeling like I'm-the-worst-friend-on-the-planet daily. But it is normal. As much as it doesn't feel normal, it is.

    4) Much luck and... patience on your journey.

    http://submerged.blogspot.com/

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    1. Please do stay; I'm happy you found my blog! I am so worried about my closest friends getting pregnant (again, feels horrible to actually say (type) out loud). But from conversations, I know several are planning to start in the next few months (some on their second) and I am dreading being "left behind" if they all get pregnant together. It does help to know these are normal worries.
      Lots of luck to you too!

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  4. Hi! I just stumbled upon your blog and I had to comment because like others have said, you are definitely not alone. I get so upset sometimes when I think about how infertility has changed me, so negative at times. (been TTC for over 3 years)

    At one point a year and a half ago, 5 of my friends were pregnant at the same time. I attended a baby shower for one of them and it was horrible enough for me emotionally. During the shower another friend announced that she was pregnant. Everyone was so happy that they were all pregnant together. Then they asked me to take a picture of them all. Heartwrenching. I'm of course thrilled for them all but it stings, it will always sting.

    I wish you the best of luck in this journey :)

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    1. Thanks for the support! Ugh, that baby shower sounds like a total nightmare...I give you a lot of credit for holding it together. Hopefully you will be joining them soon (if not already). Lots of luck to you too!

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