I wrote this post last Monday, but had to wait to post it until I saw my sister today and could share the news in person (since she sometimes reads this blog).
Today we had the anatomy scan. For most the pregnancy, D and I had been agreed we would not find out the gender.
Well, agreed might not be the right word.
All my life, I always have wanted to know the gender of the baby - my baby, a sibling's baby, a friend's baby - whoever. I am impatient and absolutely hate when people say stuff like, "it's the last great surprise". First of all, surprises are way overrated. And secondly, it is still a surprise when you find out at twenty weeks. D has always wanted to find out at delivery. He feels that the guy gets to do so little, that it is the man's big job to leave the waiting room and announce to everyone the big reveal. Enter infertility: in my desperation to get pregnant, I realized I would be happy no matter the gender, no matter when we found out, I would just be so grateful that I was pregnant. So I agreed with D that we could wait it out.
Of course, that was only true until I actually was pregnant. Then my desire to know came back with a red hot burning passion. However, D made me hold to my compromise. So, despite (lots and lots of) whining on my part, we were staunchly team green.
And then Christmas came. In my stocking, was a card from Lilly, our cat (yes, our animals give us cards). Anyhow, the message inside read, "Mommy, Daddy really wants you to know the gender. Ask him, he'll agree." And so I did, and he did, and then we were all of a sudden agreeing to find out!
Fast forward to today. I had NO instinct going into this. In the beginning, I thought maybe it was a girl because the heartbeat was always fast. Also because, as much as I hate to admit it, my weight gain has been of an "all over" sort, and I know that is usually associated with girls. But overall, no gut feeling. I would waver based on any given day. I thought I wanted a boy more, for several reasons, but I also felt (contrarily) that I might be disappointed if it was a girl (that's me - Miss Glass Half Empty- the normal way to look at that would be to say I was going to be happy either way. But I can be prone to depression, and I was afraid I would ruin my happiness no matter what the outcome).
We showed up for the appointment and, as I laid down on the table, I knew with absolute certainty I would be happy either way. Thrilled. My heart was beating a million miles a minute, and the tech nearly killed me by scanning other stuff first (you know, inconsequential stuff like the heart and the brain). Finally, she says, "Oh there's the jewel".
I was flummoxed. I have heard of "the jewels" of course, but what she said was definitely singular. Is a girl part singular? So of course I asked, and both D and the tech laughed at me (fair enough - because if you saw the shot we were looking at, I should not have questioned it no matter what word she used).
It's a boy. We are having a boy.
I have never, ever in my life actually cried tears of joy. But out they flowed. I was (am) ridiculously, deliriously happy.
On the way home, I told D that today was the happiest day of my life. He did not understand. He thought for sure the day we found out we were pregnant would be. But it couldn't be. That day had so much fear and doubt and hope tied into it, that I did not let myself feel that unbridled happiness. And the same for every subsequent ultrasound. While there was of course relief and happiness, the fear was also there. Today, I managed to just be happy for the first time in this pregnancy.
And it is all thanks to my little boy.