So it’s been a long time since I’ve written. And, like all things that you neglect for a while, the longer I was away the harder it was to come back. However, even though I have been absent from the blog – it has not been absent from me. I think about it all the time. Well, not the blog exactly, but this community. How much I get from being a part of it, and how it supported me through a bleak time I did not know how I was going to make it through. And even when I have not been writing, I have been
reading everyone’s blogs faithfully.
I am struggling with being articulate, so please forgive me if any of this comes out wrong. I’ve debated writing this post a thousand times (possibly literally) in my head, but I can never formulate the right sentiment. You see, I’ve lost my voice. I don’t know how to write in this space anymore. Partially because I know there are so many people still struggling and I don’t want to add to their pain by comparing my baby to a fruit, or posting pictures of nursery inspiration. I’ve been there – I know – it sucks (plus it is kind of boring).
However, beyond my worry of offending, another reason I have not been able to write is that cataloging my joys does not seem to fit here. This is a place I wailed, gnashed my teeth and worried myself into an ulcer or two. Relief? Celebration? Those never really made an appearance here, and I am not sure how to make it fit in. Besides, while I do feel all of those things, I have not exactly been an unbridled pregnant person – I have not taken the bump photos, bought a single item or, well, planned for this baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am ridiculously happy – I sometimes thank God out loud for being so lucky that this has happened – but I don’t wallow in it. And I think to be a good blogger, you need to be a wallower, fully immersed in whatever it is that you are feeling and spilling over with the need to share. And I have not been there. Mine is a quiet joy, one that I have not figured out how to make public, even with my real life friends and family.
So I have no real resolution. I know I will still post updates because I hate when bloggers drop off the face of the earth (erm - like I just did for over a month). Plus, I have some good big deal stuff coming up (gender reveal woohoo) and some old-fashioned worries looming ahead (t-shaped uterus = risk for second trimester miscarriages -oh, my old friend worried-obsession, that's where you've been). In the meantime, between posts, please know I am still rooting for you, analyzing your charts and commenting whenever my @#!* new apple phone lets me (a subject for another post - but it was much easier to comment when I was a Droid girl versus an Apple one. Call me old fashioned, but I need a keyboard).