Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Mean Girls

No,  not these Mean Girls:


I mean the voices inside your head. The voice that make you feel ridiculous for every pregnancy symptom you spot, or for getting your hopes up even slightly.

Journey, if you will, inside my head with me during the TWW:

B: Oh, cramping...maybe that is implantation!
MG (mean girl): Really? Because I am sure implantation feels juuuuuuust like gas. And those pangs would have nothing to do with eating Mexican for dinner last night.

B: Wow, four high temps in a row. I've never had temps so good before. This must be a good sign!
MG: Has the fact that we've had a week straight of 100 degree temperatures escaped your attention? *eyeroll*

B: Hmm, I think I see a second line on this test if I squint and hold it in dim light.
MG: I could nickname that test Betty White. You're pathetic, you know that, right?

I don't know if everyone has their inner mean girl, but I suspect if you have been trying this long, you do. The thing is, like real life mean girls, she pretends she is your friend. She is doing you a favor, protecting you from that bigger, badder bully hope. She's just keeping you grounded in reality so that you don't wind up hurt when you dont' get asked to prom  get your period. She warned you. So really, you should thank her.

But really, is hope that bad?  I mean, what is the harm if I think my bout of IBS is actually a case of implantation cramps? Or if I want to pee on a million pregnancy tests in case the first few were defective (well, this does harm my bank account, but I don't think MG is worried about my bottom line)? Because I have to tell you, I've been talking myself down from hoping for many many months now, and that does not make the pain of my period coming any easier. It is still there. It still comes regardless of whether you are ready for it or not. So wouldn't it be nicer to let yourself hope and believe, at least for a little bit, that this could be it?

Honestly, I don't know.  But, moving onto this next cycle, I think I am going to give my friendship with my inner Mean Girl a rest for a little while to find out.


  1. My progesterone suppositories ensure that my inner mean girl is an outer mean girl. I'm trying to cage the beast. I wish you the best of luck, as well.

  2. I struggle with that voice in my head too, especially now that I'm about to have my eggs retrieved (tomorrow!) for my first ever IVF. I know it generally doesn't work on the first try for most people but I can't help but hold onto that word: HOPE. And beat down the MG.

    I HOPE you can beat down the MG too!

  3. I think I have a whole gang of mean girls in my head. :( I hope you're able to get yours to take a hike.

    1. Thanks. You too. However i think it is probably easier said than done!

  4. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and so sorry that it's taken this long to get back to you. So sorry to hear about your recent cycle... and agree with you that those voices in our IF heads are certainly mean. Hope they give you a bit of a break for your next step xoxo

  5. I think this is one of your most well written post. And accurate to boot.

    Hope isn't bad. But it is something I am still terrified of- so run from it like crazy. That said, I don't think my approach was a good or HEALTHY one.

    1. Thank you. It is so hard to hope. And it is amazing how ingrained these voices are inside your head. I literally had just stopped writing this (and it was before my period came) and D asked if I wanted a glass of wine. I answered, "Sure, why not? It's not like I'm pregnant." I could not believe in 2.5 seconds I had already forgotten my resolve!

  6. I hate the mean girls in the head. I told mine to shut it for the next few days. Hopefully yours will behave as well!

    An ICLW Visit from #63
    liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, 1st 2ww)

  7. Yes, I think we all do, to different degrees! Mine always wants to point out the worst in things, so that I'm "prepared." I've finally started realizing being "prepared" for the worst doesn't help feel any better when it actually happens, so why do that to myself?

    Easier said than done, though :)

    ICLW #27

    1. It really is. I don't know why we do this to ourselves...especially because I think we've all learned from experience that expecting the worst does NOT prevent it from happening. Lots of luck on your journey and I am rooting for you and your three babies.