Wednesday, October 17, 2012

1st ultrasound


The days leading up to today have been interminable. Pessimistic at the best of times, I seemed to have hit a new low over the past couple of days. It was doom and gloom, all the time, on constant repeat. I cannot tell you how many people (D, family, friends) I would randomly tell “I am not expecting to see a heartbeat on Wednesday” or “It won’t be good news”. It was like I had to keep saying it so I could protect myself. If I did not get my hopes up, then maybe the bad news could not hurt me.

Google only added fuel to my depression fire. Apparently, tilted uteruses (uteri?) can make it difficult to see heartbeats/ get measurements (and guess what I am lucky enough to have). And even if everything was perfect and non-tilted, 6w is very early to see a heartbeat. I bemoaned that my appt was a 6w1d and not later in the week. I became convinced that even in my best case scenario, we would only see a sac, but no heartbeat. I knew I had reached my depression zenith when, getting ready today, I purposely wore glasses and no mascara, convinced I would be crying in the doctor’s office. Not exactly the excitement and joy you hope to approach your first ultrasound appointment with.

Thankfully, once we go to the doctor’s office, we did not have to wait for long. Dr. O was in with us in a few minutes. Almost immediately after she put the wand in she said, “there is one, good looking sac.”
 And then, a few seconds later, “and there’s the heartbeat.”

Sure enough, there was a little light flickering away on the screen. She tried to hear it but she said it was too little. It was apparently too little to measure as well. But it was there. D stood mesmerized, grinning like a loon, as she finished taking the measurements.

I cannot tell you the gratitude I felt in that moment. We were getting our chance. Our little one has a beating heart.

Afterwards, she sat with us to answer questions. Even though I have had tons, I never wrote a list this week assuming it was going to be bad news, so of course my mind was blank as she sat there with us. Plus I think I was so overwhelmed, I could not even think to ask questions relating to this appointment (even basic ones like “what were the measurements?”). Instead, we sat around and she rattled off stuff she thought we should know. Important information from our meeting: we can stop the p.i.o (yay! I've gotten a rather lumpy upper butt) and go on crinone, and I can reduce my estridol to 1 dose per day. She also told me to call my regular ob and schedule an appt for after 8 weeks,  and then she made some recommendations when I told her I haven’t been to a regular ob in years since I have seen specialists as of late. After that we made an appt for next week and we were on our way.

I am of course, so happy and feel incredibly blessed.  But in the interest of full disclosure, the unbridled happiness lasted all of about 30 minutes. After that, the worry crept back in. What were the measurements? She never mentioned the fetal pole – do I have one? Am I one track for 6w1d?  Could my low betas indicate a chromosomal abnormality and things still go horribly wrong?

As I rattled these off to D, cursing that I did not ask the doctor, he turned to me and lovingly, but firmly, said, “Stop it. Enjoy the day.”

 So that's what I am going to do.

22 comments:

  1. Awww congrats!!!!

    So happy for you. DH is right, enjoy your day. You deserve it after all that stress.

    This is a huge achievement. I hope you and DH are gonna celebrate this milestone in your pregnancy.

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    1. Thank you! We did. It actually happened to be my birthday as well (which made it more stressful and more sweet at the same time), so we had a nice dinner together celebrating the day. And now our picture resides proudly on the fridge.

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  2. Enjoy it!! :) I know that is hard to do but you deserve to. I am so happy for you!!!

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    1. Thank you. I am definitely trying. It is amazing how hard it is to let go to something as simple as happiness!

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  3. So excited for you! You saw your baby! That is amazing! Hope that your fears can be eased over the next days/weeks!

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  4. SO happy to hear your good news...definitely take the time to enjoy it! :)

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  5. So so happy for you and your hubby. Go little heartbeat go! BTW you definitely have a fetal pole if you have a heartbeat, don't even worry about that!

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    1. Haha - thanks! I was such an expert on infertility stuff, I know a lot less about this end of things :)

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  6. Aw, so happy for you that you were able to at least SEE the heartbeat! At 6w1d even! I was worried about trying to get in for my u/s next week at 6w4d but you've given me renewed hope. :)

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    1. I hope you hear the heartbeat too! I think you have a good shot! But even if you don't that is totally normal (I made my nurse confirm this before I even got on the table).

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  7. Great News! You had me in suspense reading this post. So happy for you.

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  8. Fantastic news! Very happy for you. :)

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  9. Congrats! This is awesome. I would try not to worry about the betas at this point -- I think they become pretty meaningless now that they can really see the baby's development, and it sounds like things are moving right along beautifully. For what it's worth, my son's beta #s were really low at first -- and he still passed the NT scan, etc with flying colors and seems like a very healthy 3 yr-old now.

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    1. Thank you! And that is reassuring to hear. I always like success stories :)

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  10. This post makes me very happy :)

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  11. I love happy stories...and this one is all yours! Congrats!

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