Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Absent


 
So it’s been a long time since I’ve written. And, like all things that you neglect for a while, the longer I was away the harder it was to come back. However, even though I have been absent from the blog – it has not been absent from me. I think about it all the time. Well, not the blog exactly, but this community. How much I get from being a part of it, and how it supported me through a bleak time I did not know how I was going to make it through. And even when I have not been writing, I have been stalking reading everyone’s blogs faithfully.

I am struggling with being articulate, so please forgive me if any of this comes out wrong. I’ve debated writing this post a thousand times (possibly literally) in my head, but I can never formulate the right sentiment. You see, I’ve lost my voice. I don’t know how to write in this space anymore.  Partially because I know there are so many people still struggling and I don’t want to add to their pain by comparing my baby to a fruit, or posting pictures of nursery inspiration. I’ve been there – I know – it sucks (plus it is kind of boring). 

However, beyond my worry of offending, another reason I have not been able to write is that cataloging my joys does not seem to fit here.  This is a place I wailed, gnashed my teeth and worried myself into an ulcer or two. Relief? Celebration? Those never really made an appearance here, and I am not sure how to make it fit in. Besides, while I do feel all of those things, I have not exactly been an unbridled pregnant person – I have not taken the bump photos, bought a single item or, well, planned for this baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am ridiculously happy – I sometimes thank God out loud for being so lucky that this has happened – but I don’t wallow in it. And I think to be a good blogger, you need to be a wallower, fully immersed in whatever it is that you are feeling and spilling over with the need to share. And I have not been there. Mine is a quiet joy, one that I have not figured out how to make public, even with my real life friends and family.

So I have no real resolution. I know I will still post updates because I hate when bloggers drop off the face of the earth (erm - like I just did for over a month). Plus, I have some good big deal stuff coming up (gender reveal woohoo) and some old-fashioned worries looming ahead (t-shaped uterus = risk for second trimester miscarriages -oh, my old friend worried-obsession, that's where you've been).  In the meantime, between posts, please know I am still rooting for you, analyzing your charts and commenting whenever my @#!* new apple phone lets me (a subject for another post - but it was much easier to comment when I was a Droid girl versus an Apple one. Call me old fashioned, but I need a keyboard).

4 comments:

  1. Welcome back! I totally know how you feel about posting now that I'm pregnant. I just can't bring myself to go on and on about pregnancy when I know that so many readers aren't there yet. And yes, worries are plaguing me too...I know someone who lost twins at 18 weeks from an incompetant cervix...and I've just hit 17 weeks. Cue freak-out! How about you be strong and positive for me that it will all work out and I'll be the same for you!

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    1. That sounds like a perfect sharing decision! It is funny how easy it is to be confident for other people. I read your comment and I immediately wanted to reassure you that you will be okay, and that most likely will not be you. I guess we just need to listen to our own advice for others!

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  2. I've missed you my friend. I understand you hesitancy about posting, about not knowing what to say because you don't understand it yourself, and your resevations about not wanting to say the wrong thing because there are those of us still 'in the trenches'. But this is your place. And you give us excitement for what we all hope to achieve. I'd love to hear what is going on with you. Like I've already said, I miss you. I agree though, hold off on the fruit comparisons :)

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    1. I've missed you too. Whenever I see your blog update on my phone, I always read it anxiously and haul out the computer so there is no question whether I can comment or not. I so completely and utterly wish you were here with me right now and I get angry at how unfair this whole process can be.

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