Friday, February 10, 2012

Can Hope Kill You?

I think it just might.

I went into this TWW so blase, so calm. But now, not so much.

But it's not entirely my fault. It is partly to blame on my chart. You see, it keeps going up. Like, up up. Like, if a girl posted it on a baby board asking if we thought she might be pregnant, I'd be all "B*tch please, you know you are going to get a positive. You are just looking for affirmation. Now get off the board for those of us with real problems".

Now, I might have a little empathy for her. So yes, my chart is going up. But why? Would the Lupron do it? Would the acupuncture? Would winter with my heavy comforter and even heavier layering blanket (plus socks!) do it? Or maybe all the warm foods I am eating? Who knows! Certainly not me.

On top of that, I've been sick. My stomach has been bad for the past three days. Not throwing up sick. Just (TMI if all my medical diagnoses aren't already the epitome of that...but gross TMI alert) I have been having to go to the bathroom - a lot. And feeling constantly full /heavy bellied. Now, I am not usually a symptom spotter as I think all symptom spotting is delusion, but nevertheless, this is how I feel. However, it could be excited belly based on the aforementioned temps. Or perhaps the fact that most people I know have had a stomach bug of some sort in the last couple of weeks. But still, it could be something else...

So what's a girl to do? Well, yesterday was 9DP(suspected)O and I broke down and tested. Even after promising D I would wait until after my missed period (oops). But I did not even do it smartly. I tested at night with less than 3 hours worth of pee in me. I feel like such a fertility novice! What a rookie mistake - of course it was a BFN. Of course! And even though I could rationalize why until the cows come home, I was still disappointed and discouraged.

Then, this morning at 10DPO, my temps plummeted. Like 1929 stock market crash plummeted. I can't even say I was surprised. It was more Oh hello there, I've been expecting you. But I can say it sucks. Especially because the crash came early. It is only 10DPO. I should (counting today) have 3 full days until I get my period. Maybe 2. But still. Stupid high temps gave me hope and then the crash just snatched it all away. It would almost have been better to have my typical up-down-up-down heartbeat-looking chart where it is so sporadic you know there is no way a positive pee stick is coming.

I read a quote yesterday that said, "I can't tell if this is killing me or making me stronger." Amen to that.

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