Living for the me I am now

It's been a while since I posted...it is a mix of things. Part of it was hitting month 12 was hard for me, and the other part is that these first few days of having your period are just not that interesting. Started the Clomid and just waiting to go back for my follow-up. Yawn.

I think the other reason I have not written (or read blogs or even gone on TTC boards) is that on Saturday when my period came I realized I am burnt out. I have had enough of babies, pregnancies, specialty diets and all the paraphernalia around getting pregnant. I have been a woman obsessed and I needed a break. Below is just a small sample of the stuff I have done in the past year in the hopes that in some way I might get pregnant:

1. avoid drinking on biweekly intervals (some might say you should just quit drinking altogether, but that is just crazy talk).
2. given up wheat as it could exasperate endometriosis (a short lived experiment... I made it a month before caving for a delicious white bread bun around a burger).
3. not had a single cup of caffeinated coffee (that I know of, although I do suspect Dunkin might not be as diligent about this as I would hope...with drive through, there is no way to really tell, but some days I feel more "peppy" than others)
4. not whitened my teeth or used any potentially harmful face washes or cleansers
5. not changed the cat litter once for fear of getting toxoplasmosis (ok - this one might not have been a sacrifice, but still...)
6. given up running (this in the last 5 months)

and it sucks. Especially number 6. For the last couple years, I have loved running. I ran 5ks and 10ks and even, one week after my first IUI, I completed my first half-marathon. But then, I thought, hey dummy, maybe running these distances is what is keeping you from getting pregnant (well, I thought it, but it was my doctor who actually put it into words). But even as I quit, I suspected that was not true. Lots of runners get pregnant (my sister being one of them). And despite the fact that I love running, adjectives such as "fast" or "competitive" would not come to mind when you see me run (jog might be a better term. I once took my dog out with me for a run and was dismayed to see she was barely speed walking beside me). No, I am built for distance, not speed, and my need to talk while running certainly does not allow me to do anything like, god-forbid, get winded.

But regardless, I quit. Pretty much cold turkey. Since Thanksgiving of last year, I have not run at all. But when I got my period on Saturday, I strapped on my running shoes. Clearly, that was not what was stopping me from getting pregnant. So I am running again.

And my non-pregnancy rebellion did not stop there. I went to the dermatologist and got some skin treatments. I whitened my teeth. I got Wendy's tonight and ordered a delicious caffeinated diet coke with my meal. And it was all glorious.

Of course, next week after my IUI, I will wave the white flag and revert to my normal trying self. I never fully quit, as I have been drinking red leaf tea and pomegranate juice all week to help beef up my lining. But, for the most part, I lived this past week for me - the me I am now - not the pregnant me I want to be. And it felt good. In fact, it almost felt normal.