Thursday, October 11, 2012

Beta #4 (22 dpo)

First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who gave your support on my last post. It really does mean the world to me to be part of such a supportive community. I don't know how people go through IF without a system like this.
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Yesterday, was beta day #4. I did not go into the day optimistically. When the nurse, upon finishing drawing my blood, walked away wishing me luck and sniffling, I immediately thought the worst (as I took it to be sniffling back tears. D told me to stop being so egocentric and that it was probably a cold. With perspective, I do see how it could be the latter).

Anyhow, my plan for yesterday was denial, denial, denial. I purposely left my phone in my car so I could not obsessively check the missed call log, and I purposely left work after the clinic closed so that it would definitely be a message. I figured out of sight, out of mind. And it surprisingly worked for most the day. In fact, as I was leaving, I felt at somewhat of a peace with the situation.

However, that peace only lasted until I got to my car. At 4:03, I left school and sure enough, there was a missed call on my phone. My heart started to pound and I felt sick. I anxiously picked it up and played the message, like ripping off a band aid. This is what it said (verbatim, because I replayed this message nearly a dozen times trying to read into it last night):

"Hi B. It's M. Good News.You numbers went up fine. I need you to call me back to schedule a fetal ultrasound for Tuesday, October 16."*

I nearly fell over in shock. And then immediately went into dissection mode. What does "fine" mean? Does "fine" mean the numbers doubled? Rose, but did not double? Am I out of the woods, or are they still concerned but don't want to subject me to more betas? And why the heck didn't she leave me the numbers (and this I only saw as a bad thing)?

I called back immediately, but since I got the message after the clinic closed at 4, of course no one was there to answer.

On the whole, I was relieved. I rationalized that nurse's don't can't say "good news" unless it is really that. Surely it is against some hippocratic oath to give false hope? But then I laid this theory on my best friend (who happens to be a Dr.) and without thinking she replied, "Oh no, I always give the best case scenerio possible. And so does every doctor I know. Unless the person is dying we pretty much always try to paint it in the best light". Cue renewed worry.

Today, I was able to speak with the nurse. I got my numbers. They are 1123. Based off of Monday's 573, we would have needed 1146 to double - so I am only 23 away. It is a doubling time of about 49.5 hours. While not the pace they originally doubled, it makes me feel better that our doubling time has shrunk again.

As for the worry, I don't think that will ever fully go away - especially the worry this is only a temporary reprieve. But it is one more hurdle passed, and for that I am grateful.

Especially because I can say, today, I am five weeks and 2 days pregnant :)

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* I ran this voicemail by several non- IF friends. Not a one of them could see anything to worry about in that voicemail, so I am not sure if IF people will understand or truly everyone will think I am completely neurotic. But tell me, when was the last time you thought "fine" was a compliment? If D told me I looked "fine" before heading out, you better believe I would change...In the hierarchy of positive words, it definitely comes in at the bottom.

17 comments:

  1. You are going to see your baby in 5 days! That is amazing! I am glad that your clinic is happy with the numbers but I totally understand why you are worried! I'll be thinking about you!

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    1. Thank you! I am a very hyped of mixture of excited and nervous about Wednesday's u/s.. I feel like I am not out of the woods yet, but I am extremely excited to be getting the chance to go.

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  2. Whew!! I'm so happy and relieved for you. Just goes to show that sometimes the numbers are misleading! You give me a lot of hope. And we're only three days behind each other! Can't wait to hear how your ultrasound goes! xo

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    1. I know! I can't believe how close we are, and it sounds like Wednesday is a big day of both of us, and several others have big appointments on surrounding days. My fingers are crossed so tightly that it is a week of good news for everyone!

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  3. I know how it is to dissect a voicemail like that but try not to overthink and stress yourself out too much. I know there's no easy way to turn those thoughts off and that sucks. The most important part of that message is this "call me back to schedule a fetal ultrasound". That's huge! :)

    I can't wait to hear how the ultrasound goes!

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    1. So true...those were definitely the most exciting words in the entire message!!

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  4. I used to worry about the tone of every voicemail and phone call from my RE...ever. Eventually, I just stopped answering and I would have my husband listen to them so he could pick it apart and tell me the news.

    I cannot wait to hear how things go at your ultrasound, it is so close!

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    1. That is SUCH a good idea. Especially because my husband is an engineer so he is not prone to reading into ANYTHING. Although, that might drive me even more crazy!

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  5. I agree that your nurse could have used a better word than "fine." She should know that us infertiles would obsess about something as seemingly trivial as that. Nothing is trivial in the mind of an IFer.

    But, I am SO GLAD that your numbers came back so great! Congrats! You are just a couple days ahead of me...today, I am 4 weeks, 5 days. :)

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    1. Thank you! I am so hoping the upward trend continues and we have something amazing to see on Wednesday.
      I am closely following your journey too and can't wait to hear more (hopefully all rockstar) news about your betas (may they be swift and painless!!).

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  6. I wish they had a calming pill. Then again, I guess that is Valium. Figures that it's not safe to take when pregnant. Gah!

    You know you are on my mind constantly. We are 2 days apart and will remain that way for 9 more months. You are stuck with me kid. :)

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    1. From your lips to God's ears. Nothing would make me happier for the next nine months!

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  7. Yay, the nurse said "good news"! I agree...it's hard not to dissect the message, especially when you're already trying to prepare for the worst. But your beta is going up. Yay!

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    1. I did try to take solace in the "good news" part. But I wonder if you ever stop worrying when you've gone through IF and read so many people's journeys. I am so relieved the numbers went up and hope that the trend continues.

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  8. Yay for rising numbers... remember they are supposed to double every 48-72 hours... so I think that number is fine. Congrats.

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    1. Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it. And your right, I am incredibly grateful that my numbers rose.

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  9. I had a situation with the Dr who did my Dh's vasectomy reversal surgery- he left a message saying the sample showed that the surgery had been very, very successful.

    When we showed up at the office for the details he said DH's levels were below 1 million, no motility and a lot of abnormalities.

    I said, "you're definition of very, very successful and mine differ quite a bit."

    He said, "well we consider it successful because there's sperm!"

    So, all of that to say I don't think you're crazy, at all, it's all in the details and now I'm the same way when I get a vague call :-)

    Now back to you beta.... Awesome, awesome results. Congrats!

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