Hiccup - Revised

Last week I wrote about how my Dr. thought I had either a septum or a biconuated uterus.  To help her figure out what is going on, she had asked me to get my films from my previous HSGs (I had one in 2009 and 2011). After several unreturned phone calls, one really awkward conversation with Original Dr. D, and a two hour round trip trek to the radiology place, I was finally able to get the films.  Yesterday, I dropped them off with Dr. O, and today I was ready to have my MRI.

However, bright and early this morning, Dr. O called and told me to cancel it. According to my films, she said I do not have a septum or a bicornuated uterus. Apparently, I have something called a "T-shaped Uterus".

This concerns me on several levels.
1. My only previous knowledge of a T-shaped Uterus was from the movie Baby Momma (starring my personality doppelganger Tina Fey) where she is told she can't get pregnant, so she has to hire a surrogate.

2. Supposedly this is often dubbed the DES uterus because of the parent being exposed to the drug DES while pregnant. It is often taken by mothers who had recurrent miscarriages. I know this is not the case because, as my mother has frequently pointed out, she has never had trouble getting pregnant.

and perhaps most importantly...
3. How the heck did my first doctor miss this? He performed two HSGs on me!!

And 3 is the one I am really struggling with. Because it makes me wonder - was he wrong and missed it? Is she wrong now? Shouldn't we have done the MRI anyway, just to be sure? Do I need (heavens no) a fourth opinion to verify all this?

Thankfully, I have an appointment with Dr. O on Friday where she said she will show me the film and draw pictures for me to help explain what is going on / what this means for me. According to our brief phone conversation, she said she does not think this is affecting my fertility (of course not. Why would there be an actual reason for our struggles), but that it may affect my ability to carry to term/ cause miscarriages. From our phone conversation, I could not gather how much of a concern this really is.

So now, I wait. And hopefully on Friday I get more answers.

I just have to try and stay away from Dr. Google in the meantime.

Pity Party - Table of One

Lately, I can't help feeling left behind. Partly, I am in a world of pregnant women. It seems everyday I am getting another pregnancy announcement. Most I am genuinely happy for. If I know your story or you are a close friend, I am cheering alongside you and truly wishing for nothing but the best. Others I am less so - those random facebook announcements, or coworkers who have been married less time, or friends who are already on their second child or conceive after one month. But they all hurt. Even when I am happiest for the other person, a part of me can't help feeling like little bullets are puncturing my heart and my uterus, reminding me that I am not pregnant yet. It is not my turn - and who knows when it will be? And I am not sure how to insulate myself from this pain.  I could cancel Facebook, or stop reading blogs or messaging boards, or stop interacting with the outside world in general. But I don't think anthropophobia is the answer.

This feeling of being left behind also has a double, secret layer beyond the obvious one. Sure I am jealous of those who are moving on and getting pregnant, but I am also jealous of those that are living their lives and doing just normal, new, exciting things.  I feel like I have been in a state of paralysis this past year. I  used to be B: teacher, wife, sister, friend, runner, reader and trying for a baby. Now I am B: I want a baby, baby, baby, BABY, BAAAAAAAAAAABY! And that has a way of changing a person's priorities. Before, I lived my own life while trying. Now, making this baby comes first. I am not saying it is healthy (in fact, I am almost definitely positive it is not), but it is my current reality.  Unfortunately, a negative side effect of  this stymied state is that I am jealous of the friends who are getting new jobs, or taking that amazing vacation overseas, or going back to school for that advanced degree. Those are all things I would love to do, but feel I can't until I get pregnant. It either conflicts with my fertility treatments, or would not be opportune. So I wait.

And I am so. freaking. tired. of waiting. I am ready for it to be me. My turn.

Despite this, I vacillate between feeling like I am the last person on earth to get pregnant, and petrified that my journey has just begun. Because I know there are those of you that have been trying longer. In the infertility world, I am still in many ways a "newbie".  But that doesn't ease my impatience, it just heightens my fear. I want my baby and I want my life back. I have no control over the first, and I can't bring myself to control the second. So where does that leave me?

For now, frustrated.

For tomorrow, off to find a better solution.