Free

So I am sitting here at CD12, and feeling something I haven't felt in a long time (about a year)...free.*

This month, I am not temping. After last month's hope and then plummet, I promised myself (and D) that I would stop - I can't handle it. It was either quit or get committed, and since I don't think they allow wine in institutions, the temping habit had to go. So, I sleep instead. I have to say, it's kinda nice.

I am not doing OPKs this month either (well, slight lie. I did one OPK yesterday). But, I read online that Clomid can give you false positives, so I figure it is not reliable right now. They say wait 3 days to test, and by that time I will already be back for my follow up u/s and bloodwork. So, I have peed only when I need to, and have not gotten any near bladder infections from holding my pee for 4 hours straight.

Thirdly, I think, right now, I am kind of numb. I don't actually expect this month to work. NO really - I am not just saying that. I feel like I am going through the motions, participating and going forward, but I don't feel like I am an active part of anything. Of course I would be THRILLED if I were to get pregnant, but I am no longer thinking "this might be my month". And call me a slow learner, but it is the first month I can actually say I am not feeling that way. It's not to say I am hopeless (because I'm not depressed), but maybe just getting a tougher skin.

The one thing I am still doing is checking cm. If I had to go by that alone, I would say I am ovulating now. It seems very fertile, which is surprising to me since my acupuncturist said the Clomid would actually dry up CM. Has anyone experienced something similar?

It does make me wonder if there is a possibility I could ovulate before Thursday, which would of course mess up my lovely IUI. But even that I am surprisingly free from obsessing about. It's not like the IUIs have done much for us yet, so I figure we have just as good odds with sex. In the meantime, I am still just employing my drill sergeant foreplay technique of getting D in the mood. Attention! Sex is coming at 23:00. Get the boys ready. I don't CARE that you're tired! (Hey, I said I was free - not laid back).

* I of course still feel the need to caveat this by saying that who knows how "free" I am going to feel once I get to the TWW. A whole new B comes out then - she is crazy and I am frightened of her.