I’ve heard the saying that idle hands are the tools of the devil, but I think an idle cycle may be just the same. Last month when we met with Dr. O and decided to persue IVF, I was so excited. I was full of hope and confidence that we made the right decision and that we were getting this much closer to getting our take home baby. However, this month has been a quiet one where I’ve had to do nothing but pop a birth control pill each day in preparation. And I’ve noticed that in those quiet little moments while waiting in line, surfing the internet, or trying to sleep at 4 in the morning, fear and doubt have started to creep in.
Currently, I have a running list of fears that cycles through my head like the NYSE ticker on speed. At any given moment one of the following thoughts flickers through my head:
nothing will fertilize,
we'll have nothing to freeze,
my T shaped uterus will make us miscarry if it finally does work,
my dog will jump on my stomach during this IVF tww and I will have to remember how cute she is so I don't put her up for adoption right then and there.
And then there is my biggest fear, the one I keep going back to – did we move onto IVF too soon? Not too soon in terms of timeline, but in terms of having truly exhausted all of our other options. I really like my new RE. She has diagnosed things other doctors of mine have missed, and she agreed that the last doctor triggered too soon and stimmed too much. Plus, they redid D’s sperm analysis and while his mobility “might be the best they’ve ever seen”*, his morphology, while not a concern, was “a little wonky”. With all of this in mind, I wonder if we were too hasty in jumping the gun to IVF. This doctor might have been able to monitor my follistim cycle correctly so that we actually had a shot (no pun intended). Or, she might have come up with a different concoction of drugs that gave us our miracle baby. Shouldn’t we have at least given this one last try?
Logically, I know this does not make sense as my biggest fear. While yes, a different injectibles combination may have worked, so might this. In fact if you do the math, it is a no brainer - 57% odds will always trump 20% odds. But I don’t think it is as simple as a numbers game. If you look at my list above, most of my fears come directly from doing an IVF cycle. It’s irrational, but I am blaming IVF for making me feel this much more - for making me be this much more invested. If we had done another injectibles cycle and it had not worked, I would have been disappointed, but not surprised. If this IVF does not work, I will be devastated.
And I know that if I really have these doubts or feel this strongly, I still could cancel this cycle and try injectibles for a little longer. And I guess logically we could. But I know I won’t. Partially because we have already come so far on this cycle. We are one week away from starting Lupron injections, insurance has been cleared, medications have been ordered, and deposits have been made. I feel like the train has already left the station and it is too late to turn back. And more than that, I don’t think deep down I want to turn back. I really do want to the greatest odds at making this baby. It is just a scary journey trying to get there.
*really? As if any man needs to hear that? We were lucky his head fit out the door on our way out! :)