Thursday, August 16, 2012

Niggling little fears

I’ve heard the saying that idle hands are the tools of the devil, but I think an idle cycle may be just the same. Last month when we met with Dr. O and decided to persue IVF, I was so excited. I was full of hope and confidence that we made the right decision and that we were getting this much closer to getting our take home baby. However, this month has been a quiet one where I’ve had to do nothing but pop a birth control pill each day in preparation. And I’ve noticed that in those quiet little moments while waiting in line, surfing the internet, or trying to sleep at 4 in the morning, fear and doubt have started to creep in.

Currently, I have a running list of fears that cycles through my head like the NYSE ticker on speed. At any given moment one of the following thoughts flickers through my head:  
nothing will fertilize, 
we'll have nothing to freeze, 
my T shaped uterus will make us miscarry if it finally does work,
my dog will jump on my stomach during this IVF tww and I will have to remember how cute she is so I don't put her up for adoption right then and there.

And then there is my biggest fear, the one I keep going back to  – did we move onto IVF too soon? Not too soon in terms of timeline, but in terms of having truly exhausted all of our other options. I really like my new RE. She has diagnosed things other doctors of mine have missed, and she agreed that the last doctor triggered too soon and stimmed too much. Plus, they redid D’s sperm analysis and while his mobility “might be the best they’ve ever seen”*, his morphology, while not a concern, was “a little wonky”. With all of this in mind, I wonder if we were too hasty in jumping the gun to IVF. This doctor might have been able to monitor my follistim cycle correctly so that we actually had a shot (no pun intended). Or, she might have come up with a different concoction of drugs that gave us our miracle baby. Shouldn’t we have at least given this one last try?

Logically, I know this does not make sense as my biggest fear. While yes, a different injectibles combination may have worked, so might this. In fact if you do the math, it is a no brainer -  57% odds will always trump 20% odds. But I don’t think it is as simple as a numbers game. If you look at my list above, most of my fears come directly from doing an IVF cycle. It’s irrational, but I am blaming IVF for making me feel this much more - for making me be this much more invested.  If we had done another injectibles cycle and it had not worked, I would have been disappointed, but not surprised. If this IVF does not work, I will be devastated.

And I know that if I really have these doubts or feel this strongly, I still could cancel this cycle and try injectibles for a little longer. And I guess logically we could. But I know I won’t. Partially because we have already come so far on this cycle. We are one week away from starting Lupron injections, insurance has been cleared, medications have been ordered, and deposits have been made. I feel like the train has already left the station and it is too late to turn back. And more than that, I don’t think deep down I want to turn back. I really do want to the greatest odds at making this baby. It is just a scary journey trying to get there.


*really? As if any man needs to hear that? We were lucky his head fit out the door on our way out! :)



6 comments:

  1. Haha, I agree with your footnote! Our RE told my husband that his counts were "exceptional" and that he normally recommends men take vitamins but T didn't need to "because you can't improve on excellence"...uh yeah, his head swelled up as we sat there. I'm like "well, now you have something to brag to your friends about...".

    I'm totally with you on the success rate of IVF. We really didn't even consider doing anymore IUIs...after 3 failures I was ready to improve our chances. If this doesn't work then who knows what we'll do. I currently have all the same fears going through my head as you (well, besides the dog one...we just have a cat!)

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    1. Thanks - it helps to hear that other people are going through the same thing. And I know that almost anything worth doing is scary before you start and I keep trying to remind myself of that! Hopefully we get the good results at the end that make the fear worth it!

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  2. I think pretty much everyone questions pretty much everything when they're going through IVF. God knows I do. Would this have worked if I had done that instead? Or maybe that would have worked if I had done this? It's never ending cycle for us in the land of IF. But I've found that blogging and all of my bloggy supporters help me keep my sanity!

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    1. I completely agree. If I did not have this blog (and get to read countless others) I think I would be so much more scared and lost. It helps so much to have such a supportive community!

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  3. If you don't ask these questions, if you don't acknowledge the fears you have, you won't be able to make the right decision. This is a big step for you and if you jump in blindly, naively, you will *later* question yourself. It's better to do it now. By doing this you are helping build the confidence you need- even if it feels unsettling in the moment. And at the end of the day, there is no 'right' decision- only the decision that is right for you. I think that I can speak for everyone here when I say that we all support your decision to go forward with IVF- if that is indeed the direction your heart and your mind are leading you. <3

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    1. I agree with you - I do think these are questions I just have to "put out there" - even if I am just doing it to acknowledge that I have them. But I ultimately think I am taking the right step. Yes, injectibles a different way might have worked too, but is that better? Is there a right answer? I don't think there is with any of this - it is all gut instinct and a hope for the best. So that is what I am screwing up my courage to do. But it certainly helps knowing that I have this great community for support on the way.

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