Lately, I can't help feeling left behind. Partly, I am in a world of pregnant women. It seems everyday I am getting another pregnancy announcement. Most I am genuinely happy for. If I know your story or you are a close friend, I am cheering alongside you and truly wishing for nothing but the best. Others I am less so - those random facebook announcements, or coworkers who have been married less time, or friends who are already on their second child or conceive after one month. But they all hurt. Even when I am happiest for the other person, a part of me can't help feeling like little bullets are puncturing my heart and my uterus, reminding me that I am not pregnant yet. It is not my turn - and who knows when it will be? And I am not sure how to insulate myself from this pain. I could cancel Facebook, or stop reading blogs or messaging boards, or stop interacting with the outside world in general. But I don't think anthropophobia is the answer.
This feeling of being left behind also has a double, secret layer beyond the obvious one. Sure I am jealous of those who are moving on and getting pregnant, but I am also jealous of those that are living their lives and doing just normal, new, exciting things. I feel like I have been in a state of paralysis this past year. I used to be B: teacher, wife, sister, friend, runner, reader and trying for a baby. Now I am B: I want a baby, baby, baby, BABY, BAAAAAAAAAAABY! And that has a way of changing a person's priorities. Before, I lived my own life while trying. Now, making this baby comes first. I am not saying it is healthy (in fact, I am almost definitely positive it is not), but it is my current reality. Unfortunately, a negative side effect of this stymied state is that I am jealous of the friends who are getting new jobs, or taking that amazing vacation overseas, or going back to school for that advanced degree. Those are all things I would love to do, but feel I can't until I get pregnant. It either conflicts with my fertility treatments, or would not be opportune. So I wait.
And I am so. freaking. tired. of waiting. I am ready for it to be me. My turn.
Despite this, I vacillate between feeling like I am the last person on earth to get pregnant, and petrified that my journey has just begun. Because I know there are those of you that have been trying longer. In the infertility world, I am still in many ways a "newbie". But that doesn't ease my impatience, it just heightens my fear. I want my baby and I want my life back. I have no control over the first, and I can't bring myself to control the second. So where does that leave me?
For now, frustrated.
For tomorrow, off to find a better solution.
I almost had to do a double take bc. I thought it was me writing this post. The feelings of being left behind and not being able to live your life like 'normal' people is one of the worst feelings Ive ever felt. Its such an all-consuming and lonely place. Ultimately I had to throw myself into work so that I could finally feel proud of something again. It worked. Some what. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement. I am off of work, but trying to find other distractions. I had promised D no Wawa sandwiches for supper in the summer since I am not working, so I thought maybe cooking could be my "thing". Clearly not - it took me 2 hours to make hard boiled eggs (apparently I can get NO eggs to respond appropriately to me :)
DeleteYou are definitely not alone in feeling like this. In fact, this feeling has been reignited in me this week thanks to a neighbor's pregnancy announcement. The left behind feeling is one of the hardest for me. I see everyone around me moving along with their lives and all I want is a family for my husband and me like everyone else seems to be getting.
ReplyDeleteThe infertility journey can be exhausting, but when things get really rough for me I remind myself to just think about the current day, get through this one first. It's when I think in terms of weeks or months that I get overwhelmed. One day at a time and we'll all get through this.
Hugs.
Thank you for reaching out. Yesterday was a big old pity party day (again) with another birth announcement (again - I swear it is an epidemic). But I like the idea of focusing one day at a time. I am going to try and remember that!
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